please kill me

2005-05-16T02:11:00.000+08:00

Thoughts are things..true enough..throughout the times that i've been trying to achieve my personal goals..i've encountered several things which made me stronger..and further reinforced my motto in life..never afraid of failure..as every failure is a stepping stone to success. I've seen people talk and talk..and yack and yack on what they want to do..what they are gona do..what they can do..blah blah blah..but yet..they have never taken the good ole action to start working towards their goals..they see people achieving something big..and they start telling themselves.."they are just lucky.."..But the fact is..those people who succeeded had the balls to take that unfamiliar first step..while those who only complains doesn't..and will always stay on the same spot forever in their lives. I despise these people..who constantly criticise..just because they can't do it. I despise people who tried to bring those who are working towards their goals down..just because they can't take it when they see their peers succeed. hese people just do not have the tenacity ..i pity them. They wouldn't take advices..they are so close minded that they only acknowledge their own presence in this world..i have realised..and learnt..to take advices very seriously..they may be good advices..they may be bad..but i now know..i need to really think ..why am i getting these advices? There must be a reason..and often..these advices will lead to something which we will never expect..in my case..opportunities..i tried giving a golden opportunity to my peers..but well..some had taken it..and are extremely happy and are on their way to freedom..be it in life..or financially. The others..had failed to see it..some even shunt me..some even take me for a joke..well..i don't care..i have given them something extremely golden in life..and they mocked at me..it's just too bad..too bad...i shall never be bothered with people like that..and i shall move on to people who really deserved it..

2005-05-04T01:45:00.000+08:00

back from meeting..physically drained..can i say a bit mentally too? well..a bit..gona replenish my energy soon..ooh..life has been so good ..i made my choice..and i know it's right..i'm so glad to have eagles working alongside with me..junjie is such a rare individual who is so persistent and determine to reach his goals..i'm so fortunate to be able to hang around with people like that..and doing business with them..i feel so sorry for people in the E quadrant of the cash flow quadrant. At times..we hope to help them move over to the B quadrant..which i and the others are in now..but it's just so bad..so bad..that they are so close minded..and never want our help..i wish them good luck..all i can do..i'm serious..Ron had just explained the situation people are in..i'm refering to employees worldwide..which i knew..but can't really see the whole picture then..now i do..very clearly..JOBS..which every human in this world are fighting for..actually meant..Just Over Broke..this is serious stuff..that not any plain jane or jack can see..only eagles can..winners will always foresee the future..while losers will always stay where they are..forever..and the government is so bad..so bad..they knew what was happening..but they are so selfish..they want people to work as employees as long as they live..just for the sake of taxes..haha..evil..! I really feel so sorry for these people..they are killing themselves..which they will never realise until they age..employees in jobs..will never have a stable job..job? not stable..never..one mistake..bam..u get ur DCM letter from ur boss..DON'T COME BACK ON MONDAY..well..but people just don't wana face reality. i can't believe parents are actually urging their child to study and get a good qualification and FIND A SECURED JOB..?? people are so naive..secured job? what do u mean by secured job? i bet no one could answer that, except someone who gives stupid answers. But then again..i'm so glad that i have moved to the B quadrant right from the start..and later..to the I quadrant..i will not do what people who are having jobs do..which is work for the money..i think its so stupid..i would rather make money work for me..its just so true that if one is in a so called secured job...they live their life by pay checks every month..so you call that secured? u earn..u spend..u earn more..u spend more..and this goes on and on..u will end up with no income when u retire..or even worse..get fired..if people would have a broader mindset..think far..earn money..invest..earn money ..invest..man..i bet the economy is darn gona improve..just too bad..well..time to go to bed..charge up !

2005-04-29T06:59:00.000+08:00

Cant sleep..business ideas kept running through my mind..gotta tell leonard..guess he should be awake and ready to go to class by now..and i haven't been sleeping the whole night..Just got my success manual today..great stuff i must say..urgh..what's seriously going on in my mind..ron will be giving his last talk tonight as he will be flying over to australia to take a peek over at the business over there,and bring back valuable ideas and help for us here in singapore..so during this time when ron will not be here..let's see how everything goes..see how william, stephen and the others do the job..It's gona be a really nice comparison on where they stand compared to ron..hmm..i've got some really great eagles with me..junjie..dave..leonard..and today when we met and discussed business..i can really see the "force"..Just by combining brains of 3 of us..damn..we're real strong..not including our whole team..! Our team is growing extremely fast now..porbably we gotta relocate to a larger office soon. Junjie had discussed about entering the japan maarket..hmm..japan is a rather huge market to venture in..and furthermore,he will be going over for an exchange programme in 2 weeks time..lets' see what we can come up with..Malaysia will be opening up soon..rumoured to be end of this year..ain't that great? yea..can't believe i'm actually in business now..seriously..it's still kinda "untrue" to me..it just doesn't look reality to me..just doesn't..my dream...yes..has come true..and will continue to progress..that darn leonard..climbing up so fast...that he's actually halfway through gold..damn ass..i'm gona catch up..i will..i seriously think this is crazy..he's not even 23 yet..and he's earning $100,000 per annum? And he's like not far away from where i stand..com'on..i can't believe seriously..absurd! madness..but..well..we deserved it..we saw the opportunity that many fools don't. Thanks my father in heaven,for guiding me along in life..a big thinker always visualize and see what the future can do..but he will never be stuck with the present..And i seriously woke up..awaken to the truth..the truth isn't all that bad or cruel..like what people always say.."the reality is cruel"..it really isn't! Why do i say that? In fact..most humans..or may i say almost all of them..who live in mediocrity..ain't any successful. People have been brainwashed all this while..People have been facing negativity in their everyday lives..this is what happens is almost everyone of human beings in life..

Wakes up in the morning, hits the alarm clock..and says: shit..another early morning..sian..wana sleep more..but i can't..gota head to work..damn it's gona be a bad day for me..shucks.. - NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

turns on the radio, hears war between USA and some stupid terrorists, earthquake hits taiwan, rape case in hougang, women jumps down from flat in sengkang..and says: it sure is a bad day...hmm... - NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

read newspapers, economic crisis, unit trusts falls..realised late for work! and says: shit..guess my whole day is ruined. - NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

i mean..i haven't really thought about this in the past ..but i see it so clearly now..it has got to do with the thinking of humans..everyday they have been bombarded with negativity..what will then dominate their minds? Negative! so true eh...most people can only talk the talk, but not walk the talk..that's why there is only 1 donald trump! hhmmm.......singaporeans..buck up!

2005-04-27T04:28:00.000+08:00

Well..back on blogger again. Been so busy ..going into NS soon..heehee..i'm going into my next phase of life! So excited..! Junjie has joined me in business! That dude is full of drive! Man..can't wait to see the results of our hardwork..coach denis..he will be in for sure..we are growing so fast..i'm seeing so many new business partners recently..oh my holy god! I'm so excited that junjie is on board with us..this guy is so friggin ambitious. Man..there goes my eagle..and up he is flying already..and dave..he is another eagle waiting and hoping for the opprotunity to fly high..now he has got it..life couldn't be better off. Winners don't quit, quitters don't win! This phrase is so naked to the eye..even a primary school kid knows what it means..but do people really follow it and really understand the true meaning of it? I do. I have done it! Imagine what could have happen if i quit training and dieting for my dream of being national champion? Just imagine..just one close step to quitting..i'm gone..never will be a winner. But i never quit..it's a proven philosophy. I've gained so much knowledge through these few weeks with the team..it's priceless knowledge..nobody would've attain anywhere. And i've also learnt to be open minded about all things. " OPPORTUNITIES OFTEN HAS A SLY IMAGE. THEY OFTEN SNEAK IN THROUGH PEOPLE'S BACK DOOR DISGUISED. OFTEN AS A MISFORTUNE" True enough..i keep that in my mind since then..i will keep digging the mine..till i find gold..never quit. Earn with me or watch me earn. Mark my words. I will make it...and i will..Gona meet cousin zhiyun to discuss business 2nite! Oh man..let's just benefit our close friends and relatives aite..heeeha..! Junjie is going to japan next 2 weeks..and he's trying to expand our business to japan..damn die hard guy ..malaysia is a big gold mine too..urgh..i seriously can't sleep..damn excited! yea go baby! diamond director! go go go ..!!!!!!!

2005-03-19T01:03:00.000+08:00

Ah...here i am..back to ma blog..haven't been blogging for such a long time..exams are coming..shuckz...fuck..damn it..anyway..life has been okie..better i guess. Now that i'm an adult..i have got more responsibilities under ma belt huh? Many things happened throughout these time not blogging..-that explained why i ain't here for so long..too busy huh. I have given up bodybuilding..never thought i would..concentrating on my studies and my new found life~! I'm much more matured after so many happenings. And i'm feeling so fulfilled. I had fun on the day i celebrated ma birthday..gee..wild fun..anthea and vicky were such sweets..aww..din expect them to help clear and wash the dirty stuffs..hmm..but anyway..one major thing in my life now..I'm self-employed~! Hmm..i can't wait to get my namecards..they are done already..but i've yet to collect them..very excited to start slogging for my future..i know i will do well with leonard and the gang..gota work hard that is..i want my first car by 26 at least..and my own condo..i'm dead determine..fuck~ Well..i've been thinking..weird..but it just crossed ma mind..I'm prepared to have friends which took me for granted and don't even bother keeping in touch with me to come to me when they learn i had succeeded and earning big bucks..hmm..not that i'm arrogant..but i know i will succeed..i duno..just thinking..and i'll start seeing the many sides of humans..kinda shitty..but..that's human nature huh...who cares anyway..after my exams..i'm starting full force..fuck it..~ leonard, thanks for giving me your support and help. To even think my own family members don't support me..and even put me down..what the fuck? And it was my gym buddy who helped me along? That's so pathetic? I really can't accept this bloody fact man~! Sigh..my family are also humans afterall..but..i'm very dissapointed in them la..It's so good to have buddies who have same ambitions and goals with me..and our ambitions will sure get bigger with Ron's teachings and coachings..meanwhile..i'll just tackle ma exams~! time to study..fuck life! hehe

2005-03-04T00:15:00.000+08:00

bubba just died...read on..anyway..i'm just bored...a minute's silence for da 'lobster' bubba......

PITTSBURGH - He dodged lobster pots for decades, endured a trip from the coast of Massachusetts to Pittsburgh and survived about a week in a fish market. But a trip to the zoo proved to be too much for a 22-pound lobster named Bubba.

AP Photo

The leviathan of a lobster died Wednesday afternoon at the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium about a day after he was moved from Wholey's Market, said zoo spokeswoman Rachel Capp and Bob Wholey, owner of the fish market.

"They're very finicky. It could have been a change in the water. You have no idea," said Wholey.

Bubba died in a quarantine area of the zoo's aquarium, where he was being checked out to see if he was healthy enough to make a trip to an aquarium at a Ripley's Believe It or Not museum, Capp said.

Bubba will be examined to try to figure out why he died, although Capp and Wholey guessed it may have been the stress of being moved.

Based on how long it typically takes a lobster to reach eating size — about five to seven years to grow to a pound — some estimated Bubba was about 100 years old. But marine biologists said 30 to 50 years was more likely.

Other large lobsters didn't fare well after they were caught, too.

In 1985, a 25-pound lobster that the New England Aquarium planned to give to a Tokyo museum died when the water temperature rose and the salt dropped in its aquarium. In 1990, a 17 1/2-pound lobster named Mimi died just days after being flown to a restaurant in Detroit. Last year, a 14-pound lobster named Hercules that was rescued by a Washington state middle school class died before it could be released off the coast of Maine.

___

2005-02-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

Got my hair done....ash! and..well..its like starting to fade..and now looks abit blonde...please i don't wana look like some ah beng..

2005-02-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

I've been so busy these few days..starting to feel worn out ..though i've been kinda slacking recently..i'm really feeling the pressure ..the stress..3 more weeks to the day..the day that i'm gona sit in this cold quiet room..facing these sheets of thick question papers..i'm dead. I can't take it. My head hurts. I've got so many things to do. I'm fighting. I missed my napfa dates in school, which sucked..seriously..so i'll either have to take it outside or enlist earlier..which obviously i do not want to..! I'm so vexed. So many things happened. Work..chilling out with the guys..and recently..jordan's birthday..i enjoyed myself. It was such fun..especially when julin arrived.! haha..yes..i'm bad...all of us in the room..hanging out..and finally ending the night with a never ending soothing song from zhengliang's iBook. I think i've come to rely on coffee too much..i'm feeling so lethargic without it. Urgh..well..went out with A last night..had dinner at thai smile..it was nice..good food..woot! We headed to PS after dinner..to get V's birthday gift..and we ended up getting a balloon for her. I really didn't expect to meet up with V last night. She had some issues which made her darn upset..and so..A looked kinda pissed..yes..i was too..haha..hmm...jus remembered..i gotta do my stuffs?? shouldn't i be like..doing my work now instead of blogging? hmm..anyway..my 21st birthday is coming..old...and i'll be celebrating it with jeremy..ah..i want some really good food on that day man..probably will be on the 12th of march..ye..food..ye..

2005-02-18T17:59:00.000+08:00

sup..~! finally feel like blogging..argh..shiats..i'm like super slack really..what's goin on in lecture? you know? wha's goin on in tutorial..? you know? labs? ah..alvin doesn't know...today's like super slack..chilling around with keigo and his fren joel..now my new fren ..haha..talking sub zero jokes..joel was the first guy who took such a damn long time answering my sub zero riddles..laughy..~! cool music today..fucking rock dude~! thot that guy was just another damn poseur..whoa~~~! who could have imagined..he brought the whole school down man..he earned it ~! period! he should have went to singapore idol..gonna beat sly down man..easy shit. got some free cokes to drink..should have had some booze instead..uhuh...fuck i'm starting to miss that guy's hardcore rock performance man..! nice day for scouting babes..phew..that touch rugby cute girl was simply..simply...cute..okie. even keigo said so. touch rugby..hmmm...interesting..saw simon down from up the bridge..damn ass chee ko pek..salivating over those netball gurls..hahaha....but hey..that's normal..at least he didn't look at guys..oops..~ =x ah...i'm gonna colour my hair..i'm gonna do it! ASH!!! cool colour i hope..i want it! usher's on the hi-fi now.."caught up!" weeeeyuweeet! oh..man..getting fat..my abs are getting blur!~ eating junk..argh..guess i'll have to give up the men's health cover page hope...and get my portfolio instead..should i? lets just wait and see..2moro's my napfa..and i haven't friggin even train for it..and what's best..? i'm starting work 2moro..for AE ye..at the singapore's cricket club,commencing at 11am ok..and my napfa is gonna be at 7.15am? think i'm gona book another retest date la...which is like the last date available? suck! look....it's 6.15pm...i'm gonna go prepare ..gotta head to clark quay for the health talk..i don't feel like going ..cos i really have like..projects to rush? but..ya..i'm so damn contradicting okie? so i'll go..fuck ! promised leonard anyway...ok! all for now...2moro is a fun day i hope??! yea balls..

2005-02-12T02:52:00.000+08:00

hohoho..went to Dbl O last night with the guys..damn...funny ass i must say..who would have expected to end a clubbing night with a fight..especially when the club was about to close..what the ..haha..stupid guy who got drunk..and even had the guts to scold the police..lol..."police big fuck!!" wa...shocked all the clubbers outside who were watching the free show man..including us..who were sitting on the floor..haha..i'm so surprised..i actually managed to drag my body outta bed despite my hangover..and head to school..but in the end..realised classes were canceled..ain't i "suay!??" urgh..gee..must end here now..sleepy..well..tomorrow gona lau yu sheng with the guys at delta..hmm..food again..whatever..life is rather fulfulling now i must say..nice time with my friends..party..fun..name it..urgh..okok..my bed is calling me..he misses me..lol..nite..

2005-02-10T16:44:00.000+08:00

yawn..just got up...so busy these days..went to chinatown on tuesday night..man..was packed like hell..saw fireworks..nice..babe watching..actually..haha..went to have supper..then dragged our tired bodies home to bed...and yesterday was quite fun ..went to slack with the guys..ah..babe watching..lol..i'm kinda sick of blogging..haha..sup..went to club X last night..gee...all ah bengs and lians..what the...should have went to the clubs near tiki bar ..that's where i call a sea...hahaha...had a few drinks..well..call it a chill out night..

2005-02-07T01:49:00.003+08:00

stepping so many boats at one go ah..walao..scare the shit outta me man..i was so stupid ah..what the fuck ..basket..may retribution befall..!...life is soo good now..ah...guys, really had fun hanging out with you all...let's rock this town on new year's eve man! rock it hard!!! yeeeha!!!!

2005-02-05T13:45:00.000+08:00

Every thing seems to be happening in lightning fast speed. Finding a new companion and such. I can't catch up. I gotta do some catching up seriously. I'm too laid back..opportunities don't wait...i gotta realise what i really want..and do what i need to do, to get it done..get to my destination. I gotta foresee the future..i look..everyday..the weather's changing..sunny..rainy..cloudy..windy..and changes..is what we gotta learn to adapt to in life..tough..but true..i don't wana be stuck in a rut all my life..yes..definitely a lesson..a lesson for me. I have the right to be wrong...and my mistakes will just make me stronger. i don't need to compel myself to change...just to suit the everchanging weather...all i gotta do...is simply carry an umbrella with me ...and continue my journey..there's really a difference in how i look at life..i can wake up any other day...and start nagging and complaining from the moment i step outta my bed..dread going through another torturing, boring day..at work..at school..or any other..and keep my pupils constantly constricted on the clock..hoping to knock off from class or work..and drag my tired body back home..slouching on the couch..watching some boring tv programmes..and finally ending my boring day in bed..and the cycle continues..On the other hand...i could actually wake up everyday...looking forward to new adventures awaiting ..."what a nice sunny day! what shall i expect today?" may i ? and can't wait to get out there..and enjoy the sun..or even rain? and bus rides to school...passing by beautiful trees alongside the road...and thinking.."the leaves seems to be dancing in tune with the wind...! and what nice shadows they cast on the ground..!" shouldn't life be this way? and ending my day hanging out with my pals...participating in dinners..and chat sessions..enjoying a cuppa before heading home to snuggle in my cosy bed? i'm trying to take a positive look on life now..not that i didn't..but..well..we learn..from our mistakes..and will..definitely..be a much wiser person..and much happier one..and a better person...i can't imagine how much I had lost...just by wasting my time in the gym..not really wasting..maybe..i just shouldn't spend all my time training...just don't get too fat or skinny! there's more trees in the woods ..why give up the whole woods just for a tree infested with monkeys? well..i won't say i regret..i never..but it just hurts in the heart, that coldness. But anyway..i've realised there are better ones out there..vicky seems to be one nice gal..but..she has suffered so much..poor thing..all humans are born good..no matter how bad they seem to be...right there ..inside..someplace..they are good...just gotta find it........it had been such a long time since i talked to michelle..i'm really glad to know that she's doing so well..just hang on girl. You'll make it big. I'm kinda regretful having to leave her. I guess i wasn't prepared to commit at that time..she's really a nice girl..pray for her to stay this way...don't get influenced by the dirty world outside..stay strong! ......god bless this world..

2005-02-01T11:47:00.000+08:00

she has moved on..so painful to hear that...i can't imagine what i had done..something which totally changed her impression of me..i shan't prob anymore..cause, by continuing..i will just be messing up things further...i dun ever wana be an eyesore..i really didn't meant to hurt her the way i did...don't know what went through my mind..the first time in my life i reacted so greatly..so bad..probably because i was so desperate..so desperate..so afraid of losing her..well..so crazy over her..at this very moment..all i can do is blame myself..for my imature act..i pretty much fucked myself up...i wasn't like that at all..why am i like that now??? why??? i actually did something which i thought was so childish...and when he did that to her..scolded her a bitch..i was furious..i was thinking..what the heck went through his damn mind to say such things? i didn't understand how he felt...now..i know...he was desperate too..he loved her very much too...and it really showed how strong love really is...i'm actually putting myself in his shoes now? gee..but hey..i suppose we gotta look at thing sat a different angle..and the first time my heart broke..was not the time she left...it was the very first time...she cried...so badly..in front of me....i was heart broken.....

2005-01-31T19:34:00.000+08:00

i'm doubting my ability..my everything..i'm doubting myself..i'm kinda outta words..and i kept telling myself..this isn't happening..but..reality..yes it is..i really don't know..the thing that i've been afraid of happening..has happened..every single time..it happened..and yes..i'm kinda like a coward ..i went into "isolation" for years..after ning..people kept asking me.."eh why you still no girlfriend?" and i can't answer..all i could say.."i'm ugly and nobody wants me.." haha..elston the culprit..the one who bombards me most with this simple question..and..as a matter of fact..i probed myself..why?? as i see each and everyone of my buddies got attached..the pressure rises..yes..i shouldn't care about others..but well..i wanted a solid relationship deep down..but i just can't trust..trust is such a strong word to use..each time..they just left..like that..hah..and ridiculous huh..7 years without a single girl really coming into my life..i'm kinda amazed..i could actually hold on that long..and on top of that..held a torch for someone that long..and..even without seeing the person..say once a year? but at the same time..i gota move on...i came outta "seclusion" haha...and realised..i've fallen into "that" deep crevice again...and this time...deeper..i can't climb up...and the very first time i trusted..trusted wholeheartedly...and..i was praying..this day never come....but well..it did..i can't describe my feelings ..all i could say...is...there's like this huge huge hole created in my heart...so huge...that at times...so much air just pass through..so quickly..making it so hard to breathe..taking in deep deep breaths..whenever i missed her..and thought of her..the everlasting pain...i can't describe..well..it will be painful for her too..but..i doubt myself....DO I EVEN HAVE THIS ABILITY TO CAUSE HER ANY PAIN AT ALL???.......

2005-01-31T01:48:00.000+08:00

shit..just what the hell was going through my mind..that prompted me to sent her an sms saying i'll delete our blog?? what the heck is wrong with me?? well..i can't do it..i can't just destroy great memories..at least they're great great great memories for me..they really are..but..just browsing it everyday..seeing no new entries..it pains my heart..i duno..i think i'm going crazy..i'm seriously considering banging my head on the wall..and..my whole body is suffering from rashes now..it started off at the elbows..then the knees..now its the whole body..i'm so itchy all over..
i went to support junjie and the guys just now..at the comp..yes..support i said..i'm just an audience..well..junjie got 1st..yes i knew he can do it..and shah got 2nd..was a hot day..and we went to eat junk after the comp..char huay tiao..bla bla bla..i duno..looks like a fun day huh...but..i'm still not happy..not happy with so many things in my life..and ya..whenever i see any girl wearing skirts..and have shoulder length hair..i'll automatically set my eyes on them..i miss her..miss her so much..i'm holding back..holding back is not easy ..i'm constantly tring to place my handphone far far away from me..but well..i still couldn't resist..sms her just now..but it was stupid..why must i say i'll delete the blog man..why??????? i know she's confused..and i don't wana give anymore pressure..all i wana do in fact..was to love her..and care for her..help her go through tough times..especially at nights..and whether or not i get back her love..is another story..a bonus..but hey..at least i accomplished my very first goal..and i should be happy..should be contented..and for every moment i spent with her..i was really happy..well..including quarrels..funny? yes..including quarrels..cos..every minute..every second..with her..counts..and well..deep down in my heart..i knew why i gave up bodybuilding..a huge part was because of her..i wanted..so much...to spend more time with her..i mean..its always ok for me to sacrifice something important for another which i believe..i will cherish ..for a long long long time..it's only 1 in a lifetime..and this person..there's no other..no other..1..that's it!...so precious...diamond? nah..much much more precious than diamonds......much more...i hate myself so much in fact..i caused her pain..i caused myself pain..well..caused her pain? do i actually have that kinda power to do that? haha..erm..maybe caused myself pain..shithead..yes i am..off to bed ..is a shithead

2005-01-30T01:57:00.000+08:00

okie..i'm tired..yet i can't sleep..something blocking my chest..i need to get it off..but i couldn't..it seriously doesn't take a person 3 days to read a mail,..especially when the person knows she has a mail? and obviously it doesn't take a person to not reply at all,or forever? urgh..i'm such a fucking bastard! constantly telling myself to wait..but..will there ever be something that i'm waiting for? will there actually be something for me to wait for? and it shows..one sided? i can't speak a word..cos i duno what the hell i can say..i'm dumbfounded..i'm messed up ..why must i always be the understanding one? but ..why can't i be given a chance to be understanding..at all? why can't ppl understand me? i can't understand..why must we carry a handphone..when we dun actually need to reply to sms..or call..i dun friggin understand it..? i have no more to say..it's so obvious..i'm irritating..it's so obvious..i am nuthin..it's so obvious..i dun stand any place..it's so obvious..she doesn't want anything to do with me..and it's so obvious..i should really rest my case..............................

2005-01-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

helo..i'm in pain..i'm burnt..! hmm...just came back from sentosa..well..nice trip i think..though we didn't do much...just sitting by the beach..talking cock..and building sandcastles..small small ones..hahaha..it was relaxing..just people watch..and see people have fun..saw quite a few funny sights today..such as an ang mo trying to pick up gurls..but failed at every attempt..his friend named tracy..erm..tracy was a guy..mind you..hehehehe they seemed to have endless drinks..don't know from where..and one uncle,auntie..and maybe their son..i think from china..and that uncle...well..can put ang mos to shame land..hahahahah..only phoebe,jeremy and doodoo..know what i mean..hahahaha...i was intimidated...urgh..sicko..haha..and that auntie..don't say already..was rolling on the sand..? what did she think she was doing? okok..i'm so red now..looking like a cooked lobster..bleahz..well..had fun today..but not the whole day..i don't know..but..it's like..where ever i go..there will be memories..i was at harbour front mrt..and..ya..recollection of us..playing at the mrt on our way home....damn..today..no reply again..hmmm..-_-"" okie..so i was trying hard to get into the mood..don't think of it anymore..don't wana affect the others..so..smiling is good..so when we reached the beach..was sitting down..by the coast..and again..i thought...of her..smiling like a lil girl..when she was at sentosa..the pic she sent me..okie..erm..hmmm? and when doodoo said he likes girls with no abs...and likes gurls with a flat tummy..smooth tummy..and a little baby fats..it triggered again....her.. again..i recollected my feelings..and get on with the day..and it was like..i saw this girl..which looked so much like her..style..hair..everything..and for a moment..i thought it was her..i wanted to go over..but hey.....the guy was just beside her..took a closer look..ahha..my eyes playing tricks on me..stupid me..so we washed up ..and headed to town for dinner..and it seemed like every girl with hair like her..and wearing skirts..i would pay special attention to..i don't know why..don't ask me..it was like..is that her?? duhz..daydream la..haha...urgh..i'm so sick! so so sick! were chilling at starbucks at orchard..and it didn't trigger my "it's her" thinking again..until phoebe said she wana eat cheese hot dog..yeh..CHEESE...she likes cheese..yes..set me thinking..again...the whole day..i was thinking in fact..hmmm..reached pasir ris interchange..and we waited for phoebe's bus 88..and i saw bus 359..again..sigh..gee....ok..and i got this rash..on my arms..now my legs..guess it was the sand..haiz...i'm kinda tired..well..that's all for the day.....

2005-01-28T19:27:00.000+08:00

nanananana!!!!! i'm really overdosing on the caffeine..kinda sick though..duno why..probably too much coffee..this morning..there's this great pain in my throat..or rather..my tonsils..i've always got tonsilitis since young..feeling much better now..but i was like..shocked..to see myself in the mirror just now..i looked so old..so haggard..seriously..awful..i've got dark rings..and my face looks like skeleton..i look like i'm preparing for competition..gee..very tired..headache..and ..my head seems like it's gonna burst anytime..i'm looking forward to tomorrow's trip to sentosa ..well..gotta confirm later in the night..hope will go in the end..i'm feeling so listless...and shit man..term break doesn't seems like term break..urgh..i duno man..i just wana enjoy myself..dun wana think so much already la..just leave it to god? haha..leave it as it is better..i'm too shag already...too shag to do anything stressful..just bum around..so for these 3 days leading up to the reopening of school..i've decided..not to use any brain..hahahaha...just..play and play..can? hehe..sigh..i think i gotta go cycling again...my body is kinda telling me..begging me..to stop..but i just couldn't you know? only cycling my ass off..can make me feel better..and speeding at night..the kinda feeling..when the cool breeze just brush across your face...and..you look up into the sky..the stars..so beautiful...and the moon..wonder if there's stars and moon tonight..? and..it's so quiet...you're alone..and..you can really concentrate on sorting things out in your mind..and that's what i like..silently..alone..sitting by the beach..listening to the sound of the waves..and the churning sound from motors of ships.....that's what i call....relax...............

2005-01-28T01:15:00.000+08:00

hiak! suntan...went tanning today in sch..hmm..actually..i was kinda pissed off..while waiting for the bus to sch..waited for almost half an hour..urgh..and the moment i went on bus..got a seat..realised..grey clouds forming..haha..was secretly scolding the bus driver ..slow coach..wadawada..but eventually..when i got to the pool..there was sun ..anyway..gona tan tomorrow again..but not that long like today..don't wana get burnt..besides..i'm preparing to hit sunsetbay..sentosa..oh man..the sun over there..scorching i tell ya! pls..saturday quick come...bleahz..trained with jeremy and wei wei just now..oh and also phoebe..she did cardio..hmm..i wonder..what will happen if she starts doing bench presses..and squats..? urgh..haha..muscle woman...man..i'm thinking too far..hehe..ah..love those cock talking just now..so relaxed..training is becoming much much fun..man..i can't stop thinking of this coming saturday ..sentosa..argh!!!! yeea baby!!!! but..somehow..i'm feeling that something is missing..hmm..if..if things wouldn't have turned out to what it is today..she could have been here..could have joined our talk cock session..and could have get to know phoebe..and talk cock with her..while jeremy and i will be munching chicken breasts..hahahaha....could also go to sentosa with me..with us..have all the fun in the world...i wish la..ok..shit.. gotta stop imagining oredi..time to sleep...Zzzzz.....

2005-01-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting down here right now..duno what to do..went to cycle again...i can't stop cycling..cause that is the only way to relieve my pain..i cycled last night..this morning...and went again just now..no stopping..till my body cried for help..mercy...you may call it physical torture..whatever..as long as it eases my pain..why not? temporarily? why not? now it's hurting again..can i really cycle for days? or years? like what forest gump did..? running non stop? i question myself...went to the exact same spot again just now...stood there..for a moment..i looked up at the sky..it wasn't the same sky i saw last night..today..the full moon was covered by red clouds..and it was gloomy..stars were not as much as last night..and ships were moving..in the dark...for a moment..i decided to close my eyes..and listen to the waves..they seemed to be far..yet so close..i duno..how does that feel??? far as in distance...but close..as in feeling....i realised..everything changes so quickly...so quickly...but why? why can't my feelings just change like nature does? i question myself....i question....

2005-01-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

loving someone doesn't mean we have to let the person know..so..well....okok..i'm so bored..i need a life..haha...hmm..what shall i do tonight? sian ah..i want to go drinking..but no khaki...sian ah..argh.......so sian so sian....aiya..maybe i should go night cycling..like last night..go to the beach..sit down..and relax..hmm..idea...think think think..! talking to elise just now..she's so damn lame...asked her where she's goin later..she said goin home.."home? so why is she online now?" that was what i thought..hahah...well she's at her bf home..hahah..she's damn slack..asked her go town drink coffee..also lazy..but acually i'm also a bit lazy...but what to do..bored! just talked to zebelle..wa..my shifu..haha..i'm all ready to go again!!...now..i haf decided..to go cycling...ciao!!!!!

2005-01-23T19:30:00.000+08:00

urgh..i can't believe..one really can't control his feelings..i'm still thinking? URGH....hmm..i'm fucked up as of now!

2005-01-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

whoa whoa whoa...i'm totally..i said..totally entertained tonight baby..! "road trip" rules...damn ass funny i say..cool show..and well.. "a simple life" simply rocks....! paris hilton is so so so damn hot dude! urgh...gosh..road trip is back..gota catch it! i'll be hitting the pool soon..guess i'll hafta head down to safra...cos tamp swimming complex is closed! closed! urgh...

2005-01-21T20:45:00.000+08:00

i'm so bored..as you can see...sigh...went to lie down on bed..after 1 hr from getting up..dozed off for 2 and a half hours..and here i am..i'm so bored!!!!! gona go do some grocery shopping before the supermarket closes..hmm..gona buy some nice stuffs..and see what new food i can invent..tonight...i'm cookin..i'm lying down on my couch...eatin...and watching tv...bored!!!!!

2005-01-21T17:16:00.000+08:00

urgh..man..just woke up...imagine...i woke up at 4.45pm? wao...guess it's because of the lack of sleep past few days...and ya..i'm shrunk alot....meaning..lost weight..haiz..but nvm..anyway..its over for now..haiz..but still gota go back sch during term break to finish up my project..sux..well..better not think of it now..i'm sitting here waaiting for my "breakfast" to be ready..having chicken drumsticks..haha..downed 2 pieces of cheese bread earlier on...today may be one boring day..duno what to do..i'm thinking of goin window shopping..but..nah..it's no fun going alone..mum is cookin..hmm..smells....erm.....nice..whaha..gee..what shall i do tonight????

2005-01-20T22:52:00.000+08:00

Pisces are born between February 19th and March 20th
Pisces is a Water sign.

Yours is a personality which is a combination of all the zodiac. You may be gifted musically or artisticly, and creativeness is inherent in you. You are a great empathiser, always knowing how someone else is feeling. This makes you a good councellor and a sensitive lover. You enjoy solitude occasionally and like to get away from it all and be along in order to regain your senses.

Planetary Ruler: Jupiter
Compatible Star-Signs: Scorpio, Cancer, Capricorn and Taurus.
Pisces Gemstones: Amethyst

2005-01-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!! yes yes yes yes! yes!!!!! haha...now..what shall i do..? get back to training...and head to the pool!!!! suntanning!! here i come! oh maybe hit sunset bay...ooh man...!!! life is soooo goood...hehe

2005-01-19T19:02:00.000+08:00

sucks.............everything sucks.........it just sucks............i am so miserable....i am goin crazy....i want to die!!!!!

2005-01-19T01:18:00.000+08:00

sup..hell...2 papers later on..friggin hell..and i haven even start on one of it? gee..gona burn my nite today....i need a cuppa strong strong coffee..well..the paper yesterday was okie...hope the papers later will be the same...i pray..pray hard..that its not gona be tough..pls gimme special powers..ahhaha..okie..i'm getting a bit hysterical here...urgh!!!!!!!!!! prata...i want prata! i want all the food i can eat! gimme...give it to me! char kuay tiao! fried oyster!argh!!!! well...after this shout out...i'm gona make myself one helluva strong black coffee...i think i'm overdosing on the caffeine..man...it's not healthy..wateva...i want to kill the papers tomorrow! hmm..anyway..saw someone today..first time seeing that person..i guess the person saw me..but acted as if he didn't see me..wada...anyway..i don't care..looked like shit..urgh..i'm so sick..sick of books..but i want to do well..so i gotta eat all of them up.!!! today doodoo scolded me..duno if he's for real or not..saying the gal is his gf...but ..his gf obviously doesn't look like that gal wat.. duno what he's trying to do..haiya..siao liao..i'm goin crazy...yet again...everytime i'm stressed up..i'll do funny things...get overly excited...curse..haha..laugh for nuthin...jump around...yet..not many people get the honour of seeing me like this..hahaahahahaahah......i am prata man! bcos i invented roti prata! hahaha.....what is the favourite colour of spiderman? ans: white... why? bcos....spiderman = si bai de man. whahaha..lame..but..it's okie......bcos..i like it! whahaa....okok...time for kopi!!! and kill the book........as if....i'm crying in my heart... =(

2005-01-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

argh...basketball..played so many games in one go..ok..in fact..i never had any rest for lik 2hrs? kept playin and playin....gee..so tired...well..i kinda hate it and regret playin...cos i was so dirty and sweaty after that...urgh...but anyway..what's done is done..at least i goa spend some play time with my friends..wadawadawada...urgh..wasted sometime..i could have studied man! but anyway..what's done is done..and i'm online now? heck..eat first then study la...wadawadawada....suck it all up! ok..well..nothing much happened today..except test and game..hmm...i wana get all this tests over and done with! and....i'm gona train tomorrow...i need to get my "mouse" back...lost so much weight..man...okie..anthea msg me..haha..saying i'm like not online most of the time...hmm..maybe timing was a little off..well...lookin forward to chatting wit her anyway..hmm..that's all for the day i guess...

2005-01-16T15:58:00.000+08:00

yet another day has passed..well..my morning wasn't that good..though i was smiling all the way in gym.."that's only when i was happy for the day"...got to see peter..and the other guys..as usual..did some light trainings..no more crazy workouts like last time..haha..enjoyed myself..but was just kinda pissed off by ugly singaporeans..i can't figure out..what's so fun about rushing and pushing..and squeezing...just for the sake of kiasu-ness? so damn pissed that i thought of just pushing them all away...but in fact..i didn't do it la..can't imagine what would happen if i really pushed them? fly? haha...was trying to alight..and before the door even open, i was getting very very bad feelings..all i saw was "guards" lining up in front of me..the term "guards" refers to kiasu aunties and ah peks...so damn kiasu man...ya expected la..all just rushed in the moment the door opened..and i was like..waliew..come on man..why are you peeps so damn inconsiderate..at least let me alight first would you?? it's not like the door is gona shut you peeps out in 5 seconds wat....an from the corner of my eye stood one auntie..and this was what she said..in hokkien.."faster..! faster! faster go in..wait the train go ..faster!" -_-""
stunned...okie..enuff about mrt kisau-ness..let's talk about supermarket..went to get some groceries...and saw the same kinda people again...like hungry ghosts..grabbing everything in sight..that's so terrible..my head just hurts when i saw that..don't ask me why..maybe i really loathe people like that? on top of it all...there was this stupid new year song...arghh...it's horrible i must say..i'm like kinda sick of chinese new year...every year's the same..and why must they play new year songs only when chinese new year's round the corner? so lame..it's like valentine's day..? couples do special special thing only on that day? i'm saying most.......most couples..everyday can be valentine's day..so damn lame..but some occasions will only come once..so gotta cherish it and do something really special..like the last day of every year..it only happens once in a damn lifetime! yea..okie..shit!!!!!! my mum is doing her "vacuum-ing" again...!!! argh!!!!!!!! eh can someone please invent a vaccum cleaner with no sound???? so irritating! my head hurts whenever i hear vacuum cleaner..going crazy!..urgh..sick..sick..sick...

2005-01-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

helo..back here again..my head was like swelling up just now while studying..can't get anymore in..that's why i'm here now..wadawadawada..haha...am listening to 93.3 now..chong qing's programme..talking about real life eerie encounters...hehe..actually..kinda scary listening at this time..but very fun too..aha..talked to lijia on msn..wah..first time in so long a time that i chatted with her online man..and also first time that me,ning and lijia spoke to each other in the same chat room..haha...fun fun fun...ok..lijia was telling me how funny it was when we were having puppy love back then in sec sch days..haha...that was so cute man..still can remember..back in old siglap days..haiz..missed those days..so like kampong kids...and old siglap was attractive..those trees..birds chirping..especially early morning..when i gotta be in sch at 7am or so..can't remember the time..for basketball trainings..and we'll get cold cold drinks..the orange and lime drink from the old couple from the drinks stall..haha..and get dressed...then go to siglap centre to play catching..still can remember the peacock in one of the private homes there..hehe...so many gd memories..i never regretted being in siglap..so fun..and the science labs were so ..how should i put it..old..but warm? warm as in the feeling ? so cosy..wooden benches..fans..wooden stools..all old old one..haha..not like labs in new siglap..yucks..and the skeleton in the lab..wonder how it's doing..haha. can remember those days ..those recesses..spent with denis,jianhong..edmund...ya..edmund..the lizard man...loved to catch tree lizards..and make them pass out temporarily by placing ice on their heads..okok..i admit..i'm his accomplice..hahaha..and we used to spar behind the canteen..down the slope..and then he will always tear his shorts..haha.."prek!"...and made use of home econs sewing kit to sew his shorts in mdm lau's chinese classes..haha...oh mind you..its the groin area which was torn everytime..whahahahha.....i think royce also kena before..me? i think i did..can't remember..and the math teacher..can't remember the name..all i can remember about him was his specs..side parting hair with..like a whole jar of hair cream on top..haha....and what he said while teaching sec 1 elementary math..." the left hand side is always equals to the right hand side"..hehe..well..all very very nice memories i never wana forget..but too bad..my memory is failing me..can only remember some..can still remember our technical class in chai chee sec..cos our old siglap got no technical block i think..duno? forgot liao..very nice memories...all my nice frens..from siglap....hope you all are getting along very very well okie?? really must take care..actually i was very playful in sec sch and pri sch days..but seemed to changed now..gee..i wana get back to where i supposed to be..playful and crazy..but kinda toned down now..shiats..what's wrong huh.....miss ya all....

2005-01-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

damn it..its killing me..this blog ah..made an entry just now..and then..it went all crazy...wada...tired of typing the things i wanted oredi la..well..did some iron training just now..get some blood flowing into my hungry muscles..well..they're hungry for the iron..but not me..okok..they're asleep right now..so we try to tone down a little...ahahah..anyway..didnt go for classes but went to sch to resubmit my LOA..man..all of a sudden..so many colours..i meant the students' clothes..like ants...*gurls*..ahem..haha..well..chatted with ***** on msn just now..seemed to open up a bit more..and of coz..expected..her fwen will definitely be in the topic..one way or another..well..can really comment cos i haven really met her in person..so we'll see....anyway..suck it up~ im kinda mad..crazy oredi..as you can see..well..have been goin to eric's lab to use the pc these days..man...really...i can't friggin stand the smell..such strong chemical smell...urgh..and the thing was..it just went through my mind, "applied science people must be going home with weird chemical smells on them.." -_-" just a thought..ahha..urgh..my fingers are kinda tired..and i wana stop now..gimme the sun!

2005-01-13T21:51:00.000+08:00

* i watch you outta the corner of my eye, this i'm sure you know. when you smile on the outside,i smile on the inside...this i'm sure you know..we're just friends..that's all we wana be. you think you know me so well, but there are things you don't even see and things you don't even know..and that is..i'm in love with you..now..this i'm sure you didn't know...*

* is there such a thing as love at first sight? that's the question i used to ask until i laid my eyes on you..how is it possible to feel so much for a friend..a stranger at the beginning..? love has no limit, no colour, no time..that's when i realised i had fallen in love..*

* closing my eyes, thinking only of you...hair so soft..voice so sweet..it just melts me..you are the one that i've always needed the most..you were always there when i was down..you are the fire to my soul..you are my very thought in the morning and the last at nightfall..you are my everything..always loving you..*

*i'm lying to myself all this while..deep down..i know..as long as my soul is around....i'll always be having her in my heart..always..and as long as she's in my heart..i will never be truthful to anyone..any other one who comes into my life....including ...myself...*

2005-01-12T18:33:00.000+08:00

something which i actually wanted to say...to her..before everything turned out the way it is now...

When you are struggling and you ask yourself.. "when will it end"? And you are crying yourself 2 sleep at nite, i want to be the one beside you to comfort you..When your body is suffering from aches and pains and at the same time, you are feeling alone ....you are thinking about the future, I want to be the one who will boost your confidence and help you forget your pain.When you are down, i am always the some1 who really cares for u, hears your every cry, arms reaching out to you and be there to let you rely on...When you feel that you are being detest,and you are in fear and doubt, i will hold you in my arms and be the one who will never cast u aside...When u stumble through the darkness... i will wipe away your tears and will make you feel that ...no matter what, you are always very precious in my eyes..in my heart..

2005-01-12T13:25:00.000+08:00

i never thought things would become what it is today...i'm a bad guy..an asshole. my close friends should know..that i hate arrogant people..proud, cocky, obnoxious people..and never will i be one of them..but,i'm just that bad at sentencing /phrasing my words....which made them seemed to be a whole lot different meaning from what i would wana portray..and it has since created a great misunderstanding..which i reckon it's never going to be resolved..ever..it has made me an asshole who isn't worth a thing in her mind..an asshole forever...and has since reinforced a decision she has made..it's never gonna be the same anymore. and i rest my case...shouldn't explain further..cos afterall that has happened...i realised...that....the more we tried...the more problems we will have....and i never..never wana create more problems..the present problems are shitty enough...it was supposed to be a happy memory...but now..everything just becomes trash......i rest my case...and hope everything goes well for her..and it's so insulting..so insulting...despite everything...all i get was.."accept it with the grace of an adult"..yeah...i'm not acting like an adult...i'm not acting like a man should..im like a sissy..a cry baby.. who can't handle the departure of some1 i value so much... fine..that's really hurting...i rest my case...

2005-01-11T20:12:00.000+08:00

had a slight fever last night..urgh..i wana recover! hiak! next weeks term tests...and i'm so busy with all the quizes and lab tests..haven't even started revising~ urgh..ya okie about my nagging enough..i had enough...so..i'm talking to zeb now on msn..she's in hawaii..alone..on a student exchange programme..and she's feeling the shitz already..lonely..terrible..missing home..missing john...haiz...she's actually feeling as horrible as me..and the only way to make her feel better..is to talk to her...i guess so..she's basically rather screwed right now..having no one to turn to...and nowhere to hang her wet clothes..haha...really screwed...poor zeb...haiz...can't do much really...i'm now helping her think of a way to hang her clothes..lolx..haiya..die..anyway..gotta go off oredi...life sux~ as usual...hmm...it has been awhile since i used my "life sux" slogan....haha...well..i'm starting it all again...life sux!

2005-01-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

my mind is totally blank right now..i can't think of what to write..my nose is stuffy..can't stop coughing...and my head feels so heavy..my body is piping hot..do you call that a fever? i'm finally sick...and i just did a 4 hours quiz today..gee..i'm like goin crazy..my head was about to burst just now...didn't really eat much..all junk..burger chicken chop..bla bla bla..whatever lo..who cares..and i have another quiz tomorrow..and on thursday..argh~! it's ok actually..as long as i'm not sick..it's totally fine..but now that i'm sick..i don't even have the friggin energy to open my eyes..and don't think about maintaining eye contact on the damn book~ it's friggin terrible..i just pray i'll feel better tomorrow..gotta wake up at 6am..can i sleep a while more? pweeze..?? i feel so alone somehow..argh..don't think about it..don't start..! let's go to bed...

2005-01-09T18:35:00.000+08:00

what's holding me back? seriously...? i wana call her baby again..i wana do everything i did for her again..i wana protect her from any harm,care for her..i know i want it..but..at this point of time..it's just not appropriate..things happened so fast..which were totally unexpected..she's trying to forget..trying to move on..and can't decide. i ain't sure how she really feels,as in about me..but i do know..that she's feeling really terrible..every night..every quiet night..i just can't stop thinking..what she's doin..has she eaten? did her stomach hurt? i mean..even if it did..she can't tell nobody..unlike the past...and besides..family probs is one tough thing..i had it before..and ya..i'm so hurt. sometimes..it's really hard..to trust someone..and convey your feelings to him/her..you're really afraid one fine day..the person will betray you..to be frank..i had this feeling before..how long it's gonna stay with me..i don't know..but every now and then, we gotta have faith..reassure ourselves..that what we're doing right now..is for a special reason..a reason we will never regret...maybe one day i will give up...i don't know..and find another person who will really appreciate my presence..i don't know..leave it to fate then......every minute..every second..is a chance..maybe i'm being to philosophical..but think of it..it really makes alot of sense..okok..whatever..i'm gona go slap myself in the face..wada! for fun..why am i so stupid. ? i'll try to be more clever la ok..what the ......

*missin u*

2005-01-09T18:19:00.000+08:00

i feel like total shit now...i thought after resting for a while..and i would feel better..but i was wrong~! what the heck...what could be worse right? first..was dry cough..then...plegm built up...and now? flu..wet nose...i can't stop sneezing...and my eyes are wet! wet! cos of tears...urgh..pls help me....and now my head feels so heavy...fever next? pls don't ...i feel so horrible..no appetite to eat...shit...and coming week so many quizes and lab test..damn it lor..and next week term test..i've kinda used up 1 whole box of tissue paper i supposed..urgh..i'm so tired..feel like sleeping..but can't sleep..can't breathe properly..cos my damn nose is blocked! think i can breathe through my mouth..? haha..ya right..those plegm are terrible..urgh..wonder how i'll feel 2moro..hope everything will be fine..after i wake up ...gee.......and something is really bizzare..this gal..from sch..diff course..won't reveal the course..has a thing for me? don't even know her ..weird huh..to think i this kinda face oso has admirer..what a joke..don't care..

*missin u*

2005-01-08T18:00:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling so so so terrible right now...stupid cough..seems to be killing me..probably my body just couldn't get use to the rapid change of weather...gee...can't breathe properly...while sleeping this morning..i somehow felt that i can't breathe normally..i guess i was breathing very hard...trying to catch my breath...man..what could have happened in just one night?? weird...heaty? cold? what's wrong? and the worse, whenever i cough..my chest hurts ...just feel really uncomfortable..went to the gym just now..though i do not intend to train as hard like last time..but i still gotta do some training...so i happened to be training my biceps..ya..halfway through..haven't even started my first set..i couldn't breathe..gosh..but anyhow..i managed to catch my breath la..so in the end..i didn't kinda pespire..aha...at first it's a dry cough..but now..it seems like phlegm is starting to build up...grrr...i'm somehow still thinking of her..i thought i could kinda let go..but..i was simply trying to fool myself..lie to myself..anyway..i'm like kinda down on my luck recently. so many things happened..and last night..some money probs..stupid cash deposit machine..ate my 200bucks..!~ damn it..so gotta go find the personel from the bank..argh..troublesome..machines are machines la..what to expect...and the worse..the money is not even mine. gotta pass to someone lo..just crossing my fingers now..and hoping i can get it back...that stupid eric...argh..was supposed to be meeting him on monday morning to go sch together..then..this 'doodoo' last minute told me he not goin for his cds lecture..ya!!! so guess what..i'll be alone in the damn stupid bus15..wah..put my aeroplane..nvm..haha..i remember u..ahaha..next time i got break don't eat with u liao..hoho..kidding~ =)so..i've been spending my breaks with this kuku recently..lol..he's a really nice chap..yala..knew him so long liao how can i not know right?..but he's like me ..gets bullied easily..too softhearted i suppose..monday, monday...biz park's double chicken chop!! YEA! gotta eat u all up!
to vent my frustrations! eat eat eat....talked to yong and wenfang jie at gym today..lol..so funny..were talkin about this lady..who was damn conscious of her body..do aerobics until siao...do till like anytime the treadmill or stepper is gonna explode..and the reason..?? HER BF SAID SHE WAS FAT!. ye..come on lo..jus bcos he said she was fat ..then she starts killing herself like that ah...but...actually.....she wasn't that fat....just cellulites here and there...-_-"" okok...stop being a bad ass...haiz..gota go eat my BOOKS again.......

*missin u*

2005-01-06T17:52:00.000+08:00

hey..just got back from the gym..anyway..didn't have any motivation to train ..didn't even perspire!..ya..was walking here and there..doing this and that...and washed up soon after...had been attacking biz park's chicken chop everyday..man..double chicken chop somemore...i think i'm goin mad oredi..haha...eating is so fun...i'm finally giving up bodybuilding..finally...now,just training for fun..maintaining..and try to enjoy life a little..life has its ups and downs...though at nights..i do feel kinda lonely..had been a habit for me to sms someone..and send someone home.talk to someone..and now it's like..GONE~ boom. haha..ya..pobably that's how you got attached to something ..and probably that's how she felt ..understood. well..i don't know how long it's gona take me to forget...probably 10 yrs? 20 yrs? forever? my last was 7 yrs...so guess how long this time..beats me..? gee..gotta go for the final night tonight...life is so unpredictable...when it's time for you to go...you go...just like that...CHERISH..! forget about the unhappiness....remember those happy times......i'm glad i had it ....at least in my life...i understood the true meaning of beauty......

2005-01-04T13:00:00.000+08:00

everything has turned out pretty badly..at least for me,...but i never regret..never..at least i still have memories..that i can hold on to..like i said before..if the other person is happy..why not? not trying to be Mr nice guy or Mr noble..but that's the truth..i believe i learnt something from it..a lesson..can't really spell out what i learnt..can't be described by words...all i can do is to pull myself up..stand up again even though i fell so many times...was thinking of giving up my competition last night..and this morning..i woke up feeling like total shit this morning...swollen eyes..tired body...cold too,...was shivering like crazy..at that point of time..i really was thinking of giving everything up...was really terrible kinda feeling..and i was late for my lab..got lab test...shit..didn't do well..everything didn't work..die...just crossing my fingers..and hoping that i didn't flunk too badly...2 more quizzes tomorrow..gosh...it's so cold nowadays...i really am shivering..the weird thing is..i'm like so contradicting..to go for my competition or not...now that i feel much better..not so cold..eyes not so swollen..i'm like..wana go for it again...it's been like so many weeks of suffering..i thought someone would go through it with me..and support me..but now that i'm all alone....i'm like not going full force ..what should i do? just continue to do my usual stuffs..and cruise through and see what happens? or indulge myself in good food now? i had chicken chop..just now...haiz...what is going through my mind...?????? i need to stand up..stand up...i can't be beaten..when something is not mine..it will never be mine...can't i see it coming?? will i be able to live with it???

2004-12-26T16:19:00.000+08:00

2 weeks..2 whole weeks....just past like that....i'm dying..my heart is dying...

* you're climbing a cliff..so high...thousands of feet above sea level...in
the beginning..you doubt yourself..whether you could do it..you have no confidence..but you made your first step..you knew you just had to do it...and you thought to yourself.."there's no turning back"..you climb and climb...and finally..after all the obstacles that came across...you finally made it to the top...the view atop was breath taking..mesmerising...you forgot about your own safety..and went to close to the edge of the cliff....all of a sudden..everything seemed to be swirling about..and you realised you had actually fell........everything happened in a split second..you had no time to react...all you could do was to try to grab anything you saw..and you did just that...a branch..you're not dead yet...you tried so hard..so hard..to pull yourself back onto dry land..but you failed..at that point in your life..everything seemed to be possible..all you wanted was to stay alive..even if it was so high up...you thought that someone might just pass by..and pull you back up...there was a glimpse of hope...however..you waited and waited...no one came..hope seemed to be diminishing..you were desperately hoping that someone would come ...you were still holding on..screaming...but i didn't happen...you soon realised everything just wasn't right..you were hoping for something impossible..an empty hope..you were about to give up...and all of a sudden..you heard a voice..someone's out there...you wanted to scream..yell for help..but you couldn't..it has been days..even weeks..that you drank any water..had any food..nevertheless..you tried..and gave out a slight shout..but that someone just left you all alone..walking away..you felt so terrible..you lost hope all of a sudden...every single hour, minute ..second..you were hoping..that someone would rescue you...but still no one came...you really don't know what to do...you're tired..so tired..either way..you're dead...you thought to yourself.." is it time i let go? " no one is gonna care how you feel..less.. care if you die...you had 3 choices...(1) let go and fall to your death..let it be a quick and easy one..(2) hang on as long as you can...and die of hunger,thirst and fatigue..(3)hang on until the branch breaks...which will you choose????

i'm really holding onto an empty hope...which one will i choose?

2004-12-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

我帶著一顆疲憊的心走了 (unicode)
我知道自己在你心裡已不重要
雖然我們曾經相聚過
也許對於你來說
已經沒有什麼值得回憶

我帶著一顆沉重的心走了
我知道自己沒有勇氣道別離
雖然我們曾經擁有過
但是對於你來說
已經沒有甚麼值得回憶

難道早已註定　不能真正擁有你
難道我真心付出一切
是為了承受孤單和寂寞
我知道　你不敢對我坦白
是不要看到我的傷懷
雖然你沒有說要離開我
我已經感到　你不再屬於我

如果你還愛我　你不會對我如此的冷漠
又怎會讓我在　漫漫長夜獨自徘徊
如果你還愛我　你不會對我如此的冷漠
我只能含著眼淚　默默的離開

2004-12-26T01:44:00.000+08:00

life is full of obstacles..i said something which can never be forgiven..i don't know why...seemed like everything around me is linked up..watched 2 shows just now..both related so much to me....i can't describe how i'm feeling right now..it hurts..i don't know what actually went through my mind,that made me said those hurtful words..i guess it was the end of everything when i blurted those words out..the very end..i wanted to make a difference in her life..make her life happier..but i failed in the end..admit it..i wasn't good enough for her. i have to admit...i do not have faith in myself..i'm insecure..that's something i dared not think about for a very very long time...i'm practically trying my very best to avoid...that's partly why i did what i did..train..trying to keep myself very very busy..and other reasons of course...i seriously don't know what i should do now...maybe i should just leave her alone..she will find someone better..someone who is worthy of her...i'm not worth it. i tried so hard..so hard..i'm breaking down..mentally...i'm so tired..but i'm still holding on...why?? i know xxx never wana see me ever again..and i accept that..cos i hurt her so much..so much..i'm nothing but an ass..i shouldn't have tried to enter her life if i knew things would turn out this way...should've just left her alone..let her continue with her life..with her loved ones..there will not be any problems if i did just that...i can't do a single thing right..saw this show just now..'pay it forward'...was a very very meaningful show..something i learnt from it..*pay it forward*..do someone a favour...show them love and care..and if i can't get it..i would want someone to have it..and i realised..i've been trying to do the same thing to her..pay it forward..but i guess it did not work....maybe i wasn't good enough to be the person paying it forward...i'm just someone who needed extra love and care..which i doubt anyone would provide for me..thus..i thought i could be the one giving..but all that happened proved me wrong...i wasn't good enough...i'm good at screwing things up..everything seems so blur ahead..i dare not expect much in future..dare not..i can't see the future..my head hurts..call myself lucky if i can still save a friendship with her..which i really have no confidence..nevertheless...i'm still going to try to do what i've been doing ...showing those who are extremely down in life..that there's still a glimpse of hope...wheher or not i succeed is another story..whether or not i can get this hope myself is also another..this is the first time i'm admitting that i'm actually insecure..about myself..i'm so afraid..so many things..which at times hinder me in my life....missing someone is very painful...but knowing that you actually hurt the one you miss or love...is worse than death..just kill me would you..let me die..end my misery...so she can be happy..happy in her life....hope she find someone who can treat her well..secure her..and protect her forever.........................

it's Xmas eve....

2004-12-24T20:19:00.000+08:00

today's xmas eve...sad to say..i'll most prob spend it alone..chris and guys will be goin down to suntec...and maybe ktv later..might join them if they go ktv..long time never sing..and i really feel like singing my heart out today..really broke..after spending on some stuffs....gee...not sure how i'm gona survive this 1 mth..still got things to buy for my comp..which is really not cheap! damn it.......

2004-12-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

vexed..

a story to begin...

2004-12-23T01:07:00.000+08:00

there was once a couple..loving couple..and on this special valentine's day..he gave her a red t-shirt..as a gift..she loved it..loved it so much that she realised she has been wearing it most of the time..but was kinda puzzled..why a red t-shirt?? he told her, that there is reason for it.....but did not explain..

days past...months past..and it was her birthday...this time..no red t-shirt...just a book...yes..you heard it right..a book..it was a story book..a story about a boy..and his little blue soft toy bear..and somewhere in the middle of the book..there's a picture..a picture of the little blue bear..wearing a red t-shirt..sitting on a dustbin....why? you may ask? the little blue bear has been with the little boy since he was born...they loved each other so much..and after so many years..little blue bear has since became old..torn and dirty..the other toys were laughing at him..teasing him..."master will never love you again, you're old and ugly..".. they said. Little boy used to bring blue bear to everywhere he goes..but on this particular night..little bear was left all alone..in the house..he thought,"master doesn't love me anymore..."...he was crying..so he decided to leave..he went out the house..sat on a nearest dustbin...waiting for someone to throw him away...hours past..still nobody...he fell asleep....and when he woke up...he was shocked.."shouldn't i be thrown away already?" he woke up on little boy's bed...looking suave,clean and tidy...he had a new shirt...a red t-shirt...what actually happened? little bear was actually brought back home and cleaned up...he will always be loved by little boy..always....

she finally understood why he gave her a red t-shirt..it was a symbol of love..forever love..when will someone give you this red t-shirt in your life?

2004-12-22T16:12:00.000+08:00

静静地陪你走了好远好远
连眼睛红了都没有发现
听着你说你现在的改变
看着我依然最爱你的笑脸
这条走路依然没有改变
以往的每次路过都是晴天
想起我们有过的从前
泪水就一点一点开始蔓延
我转我的脸不让你看见
深藏的暗涌已经越来越明显
过完了今天就不要在再见面
我害怕每天醒来想你好几遍
我吻过你的脸你双手撑在我的双肩
感觉有那么甜我那么依恋
每当我闭上眼我总是可以看见
死心的诺言全部都会实现
我吻过你的脸你已经不在我的身边
我还是祝福你过得好一点
断开的感情线
我不要作的脸
只想只随潜在静静你的蜜语甜言
我吻过你的脸虽然你不在我的身边

2004-12-22T14:39:00.000+08:00

hmm..i'm back here again..sigh..sitting here in the library..so slack..i've been trying to smile..be happy..but..am i forcing myself to? i feel so empty all of a sudden..so now everytime i have a break...i'll be in librbry..listening to music..guess this is the only way to make me feel better..relax..have some time alone..quietly...just how much did i put in? Xmas is coming..guess i'll just spend it with god..church? sigh........................................still searching for it..but..not sure if i should get it..its a promise..and whatever happens..the promise will still be here...3 more days to Xmas..gotta find it!

2004-12-21T01:17:00.000+08:00

might be stopping blogging for a while...this is afterall my life....my own life...may be back? duno? kunshan i join u! haha

2004-12-20T20:28:00.000+08:00

meeting up..sms..talking...teasing..waiting...sending her home..going out...good night sms..good night phone call..morning sms..morning phone call...it all seems to disappear....what's wrong..drifting so far apart..jus friends? or?

2004-12-18T19:01:00.000+08:00

what the hell...i'm really goin crazy..i thot home would be a better place for me to heal..but it isnt'...mum is doing things that is stupid....fancy sticking names on mugs...why do you wana differentiate everything? why? isn't this suppose to be a family? what?! and saying better not mistake my mugs..or i'll get scolded by whom the mug belongs to..what?! seriously..what! what the damn fuck!!!!! what!? she's indirectly splitting the family apart!...what?! what can be more stupid....what!? shit man..why is my temper so bad..shit~ home is no more a home to me..its just no difference from a hotel..where i just sleep in there...nothing else...fuck it! i wasn't like this before..why am i like this now? why are everything against me? what did i do wrong...seriously? in my past life..? i can't friggin breathe...can't friggin do anything that is successful..my heart hurts...my head hurts...i'm falling deep into the crevice again...is there anyone out there who can save me? pull me out please........and give me a warm sincere hug?

2004-12-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

hmm..was kinda aggressive at the gym today..was actually venting my frustrations..not training...felt ok...talked to mike ...was nice..comfy talk...how i wish i have a bro..heart to heart talk at night..how nice..today's julie's birthday...will probably be goin down to esplanade later..anyway ..it's been some time i see them..gotta catch up...heard that zeb is goin over to the US..for attachment..6 mths somemore..gee..it's gona be a challenge for both john and zeb..but i think their love is strong enough to withstand..afterall..they survived the NS days...really take my hat off to them...impressive..keep it up guys! it's getting really unmotivational..sick..everything seems to be goin downwards for me..hmm..i think i gotta reorganise myself..stand up..hard though..but i must do it..everybody seems to be getting along well..saw mia seng..after so long..he's lookin great..maybe i should just look at life at another different angle shouldn't i? anyway.."heather" thanx for dropping by my blog..and your concern..it shows that there's still warmth in this cruel world..merry christmas to u too...god bless!....not sure how i'm gonna spend this christmas..had a plan ..but..things have turned upside down..so lost...let's just hope for the better..god bless you all..

2004-12-18T01:17:00.000+08:00

was i doubting myself all this while? i know i haven't let go..waiting for myself to be pulled back in..but i guess its time i face reality..if i were meant to fall and die..so be it..i can't change nuthin..talked to miira for awhile..felt alot better..sigh..why do i have to be living in the first place huh..urgh..headache..body pain..gee..lets just hope i didin't injured myself too seriously..can think now..too confused..too dissappointed..can i really let go?? gona be years probably..elmo..song..lol...what am i doin...?

2004-12-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

laughin out loud...my knee hurts..i think i ruined my shoulder too..damn..urgh..really feel like shit..i cant continue anymore..i cant do it..although its like a month away only..it seemed like i lost all motivation and energy again..i feel like dying..i just wana stuff my face with pizza and junk food..4 weeks of eating the same ole food..this is the very first time i'm breaking down..in all my 20 yrs..breaking down mentally and physically...am i suffering from depression? i duno...kunshan..i think one day..i will follow suit..stop blogging..and do it in private..i really seriously dun know..i dun know wat to do..i'm so lost..i'm becoming a pessimistic person day after day...what should i do? i loathe training..i loathe this world..how i wish i can join my grandparents in heaven...i hate problems..i hate everything that challenges my willpower..i hate everything that stabs me..i wana sleep...but i dun wish to fall asleep..i wana talk..but dun feel like talkin..i wana study..but dun feel like it..i wana stone..but i cant do it either..i really duno what i can do now...besides typing and typing..maybe i'll try typing till daybreak..maybe i'll type till my hair turn grey..i duno...i hate telling ppl about my training..cos it jus bores them to death...i hate to push myself..for a reason...a reason that may not exist now? i hate to depend..i hate everything about myself..why can't i just be a playboy? why can't i just be a jerk like every guy? why can't i? why can't i just play with gurl's feelings and ditch them? why can't i do it? why can't i be more forgiving? why can't i? i'm really trying to understand why there are so many gays around..am i such a fool? how i wish jimmy were alive...if he were here..i missed him..why did he have to leave me? why did he? why did do this to me? left without a word..lay there motionless...cold...eyes shut..why? why can't you just be fair to me god? why? why?
i'm askin a question...why can't you answer me? why did you have to do this? why am i like that.................????????

2004-12-17T19:27:00.000+08:00

saw this in friendster..interesting...

Signs of guys falling in luv..
Message: ~Wen a guy reali falls in love and becomes
> faithful
> to his beloved, his change in his character will
> reali shock every1 around him.. His egoist
> heart
> will uncompromisingly softens when he willingly
> gives his heart to the lady he falls in love with..
> furthermore he'll be willing to sacrifice everythin
> and do anythin fer his loved one.. No matter
> how
> egoist he may be, tears will fall from his cheeks
> wen his heart's broken.. It's not easy to see
> guys
> who would truly cry fer their loved ones...~
>
> 20 signs to recognise the strong love a guy
> holds
> fer his beloved..
>
> 1. he willingly do anythin n everythin fer his
> beloved.. with sincerity not coercion
> 2. he constantly wans to humour his beloved
> and
> tends to be more talkative
> 3. he tends to advise his beloved more as he
> truly
> loves her and wans her to be a better person
> 4. he tries to restrict her freedom due to his
> overwhelmin jealousy
> 5. he constantly fears losin his beloved
> 6. he always monitors his beloved's
> movements
> as he feels insecure
> 7. he hates e idea of other guys bein close to
> his
> beloved
> 8. he becomes jealous and sensitive wen his
> beloved pays less attention to him
> 9. he becomes the most hardworking person n
> help his beloved to do anythin n everythin
> 10. he becomes restless wen his beloved's
> away
> fer too long
> 11. he cares fer his beloved more than he does
> himself
> 12. he constantly asks if his beloved loves him
> as
> he feels his love is greater than his beloved's
> 13. he would not be bothered wif other gals
> who
> dun hold any importance to him
> 14. he will try to spend a lot of time wif his
> beloved
> even tho he noes he'll end up waitin fer his
> beloved
> 15. he praises his beloved in front of others
> 16. if his beloved leaves him, he cant trust any
> other gal n wishes fer his beloved to come
> back to
> him
> 17. wen ther is a third party, he loses his mind
> and
> is willing to do anythin to fight fer his beloved
> 18. he makes sure he ensures her safety at all
> times
> 19. he is lyk a small kid who fights fer constant
> attention from his beloved
> 20. he treats his beloved as his most trusted
> one
> and willing to sacrifice all of his wealth and
> even
> his life fer her
>
> ~it's not easy to find guys who would shed their
> tears jus fer gals.. so pls treasure them...~
>

2004-12-17T19:14:00.000+08:00

bloggy..no matter how interested ppl sound...never tell them ur probs...cos they may find it a nuisance..but just dun feel comfortable enough to tell u...i should be laughing at myself...clown!

2004-12-17T19:06:00.000+08:00

not in the mood..thinking..thinking..thinking and thinking....so hard to swallow..maybe i was wrong...maybe not..so confused....i really hope i was wrong...fell into a deep crevice so many times...but was able to climb back up again...i hope i have supernatural powers..so i can know all the things in the world...and see thru people..but i don't..maybe i shouldn't be asking for powers like that..its really better to NOT KNOW than KNOW at times.....i should be laughing at myself...clown!

2004-12-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

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2004-12-14T21:12:00.000+08:00

shitty day...tiring..boring...tomorrow will be worse..shit...trainin hasn't been going well..fucked up trainin........urgh....
*so tired*

2004-12-13T11:15:00.000+08:00

shit man..i'm now in this stupid library of my school..woke up so damn late..then rushed to do my cardio...fucking tired...but shit..i was late for meeting may..gosh..my morning didnt went well..was in the bus..sweating like hell...stinking like shit..didnt go home like i thought i would ...wat the...nvm..lucky i brought my sweater along..so if i really stink...i'll just put on my sweater..kinda disgusting..but..wat other choices do i have? anyway..as i was in the crowded bus just now..i kinda spilled my shake onto a lady's lap...what the..fuck right..and spilled on my sweater and jeans too...all in all..my day suck real bad..lets just hope the rest of my day will be better...peace out~

2004-12-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

*a SmilE MakeS OneS Day*

2004-12-11T20:44:00.000+08:00

whiSkas Is Good!

2004-12-11T18:28:00.000+08:00

well..my day sucked real bad today...gee..was training today..and this guy..kept starin at me..wonder if he's gay..it's so damn irritatin..disturbing..to have someone staring at you...and i mean..STARING...get it? what the..ok however..i started training..and after my set..did some stretching ..and this same fool..tried to help me..duno what's that for..? what the..i know how my body works..and what i'm able to accomplish..and instead of minding his damn old business...why is he so kaypo? ya,..guessed what..i was distracted for a moment..what the..cant ppl just do their stupid trainin and get outta the damn gym???! fuck! i hate ppl like that...interrupting my trainin..cant you damn see i'm seriously into my set??! what the..are you gona be responsible if i got injured? with 60 pounds dumbells on each of my hands?? just fucking get outta my sight..and dun ever come near me..! have some common sense! please..!! and by the way..ppl i know knows what i'm doin..so they tried to not bother me..ppl who dun know me..pls stay the damn friggin hell away from me! i'm there to get my set done..not to make some gay friends..com'on peeps..what the....i'm in no friggin good mood today..i'm startin to get irritable..and this is a norm especially its so near..dizzy spells..headaches...restlessness..whatever shit you name..fuck! i am trying to avoid my family recently..cos i know my temper is damn bad esp when i'm dieting..so i try to avoid any conflicts..and ya..mum simply doesn't get it..she's pushin me to a limit..early morning vacuuming the house..what the..i'm so so so tired..i just wish i could just close my eyes and not think of anything and sleep..but i cant..i have study..train..prepare my food..diet..ppl just dun know how taxing this can really be..except my very close iron brothers..man..pete..i miss contest prep with ya..now i'm all damn alone! gee...at least we used to motivate each other..but now..i only got myself....i'm so tired mentally..physically too..been missing a few workouts..cos i'm just really burnt out..and thus..missing my class at 8am..what's worse..celest was reprimanding me for not turning up for class.!!! what the hell..i really wana curse..curse real hard..fuck! i'm really weak now..at this stage..i cant take anymore blows..why are ppl like that...? when you're workin so hard..they tried to put u down..real down..and when you succeed..they tried to be part of ur success..fuck! why?! why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm goin crazy..crazy...all the food temptations..cooked for her last night..haiz..really a challenge for me actually..not becos i can't cook..yeye..cos i was so tempted..but fuck..i cant bear to see her eat biscuit..or not eat..what the fuck! ok..no more food..i'm gona meditate..relax...few more weeks to go..i can do it..i can!! i must!!! sigh..i guess today is ruined..ruined totally..will not be goin out ..i'm really tired..but..but...i wana go out..with..gee..i guess i should just stay home..and do some studying..last curse for the day....FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-08T22:42:00.000+08:00

life is full of opportunities..but not chances..i want to do what i like in my life..i want to live everyday like my last day...i don't care what others think of me..i am in control..i have been wasting my precious time bodybuilding..at some point..but i learnt so many skills from doing it..independence..self fulfillment..determination..confidence..willpower..everything..and like yousuff said..there will be this hunger in u..this potential..that you will never unleash until at a certain point in ur life..and this certain point is somehow ur darkest moment in life..something that hit u real hard..knocked u down..deep down..that u cant find the energy to stand up..i now understand what he meant...cos that's what's happening to me now..knocked down..deep down..and i finally am able to see the light..what i really want in life..bodybuilding is just a pitstop for me actually..it is..i've been stagnating..so long..so long..never know what i can accomplish..never know what i want to do or want..after all that's happened to me..i'm willing to give it up..and this coming comp shall probably be my last one...and i'm off to the road of LIFE...never turning back..occasionally stopping at traffic lights..to re-access my goals...and move on..and occasionally pulling over at petrol stations..to refill my tank...i live only once..i gotta fight..i want to be the driver of my life..in control..and finally..succeed in reaching my destination..i still don't know where my final destination is gonna be..but i will...i will..someday...i'm so hungry..so hungry to start my life journey..a successful one..i want to prove myself..what i can really do..although i've been hurt..so deep..i still believe..believe that she's the one..we never know what will happen in future..hope will still stand a place in my heart...i still will be here for her..no matter what happens..a shoulder to cry on? a listening ear? warm hands to wipe her tears? a smile to make her happy? just hope she's happy..in whatever she do....god knows....i need to really start plannin what i want to do with this life given to me by HIM....i have so many things goin on for me..i cant fall...i cant give up....i have to brave it..i have finally found myself i can say...but not deep enough..i need to go deeper..

2004-12-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

*7/12* is there someone who is willing to do this for you in this world? really?*

The story start wif a guy, name Paul and a girl
named Ella..

Both of were still students but had already
started to 'fall in love'.. in another words, go
steady.. In one of the days during their June
holidays which they have been waiting for, they
met each other at a basketball court..
Coincidentally, they started playing a match wif
each other.. they had fun..

As Ella knew one of the frens of Paul, she asked
for Paul's number.. At tat time, Paul didn't want
to fall in love again, after getting so much hurt
from the previous one.. Sadly, tat fren of Paul
didn't give her the number..

As days went by, the holidays ended.. They met
each other at another basketball near Ella's
skool.. Day went by and Ella borrowed Paul's hp
and missed call her own hp to get his number..

Tat very nite, she smsed Paul.. They chatted and
had fun.. Till one day, Ella expressed her love
for Paul.. Paul loved her much too.. after
thinking 4 a long time, Paul thinks tat he and
Ella would last, thus, asked her if she would be
his partner.. Obviously, she agreed..

They went steady for one and a half short mths..
Ella ended the relationship.. with her parents
not allowing her to go steady as a reason.. who
on earth would accept tat lame reason? but Paul,
like many other love victims, had no choice but
to let go..

Years past and another fell in love wif Paul..
She was Mary.. Paul and Ella didn't contact for
a very long time.. Paul still loved Ella very
much.. but nvr had a chance to tell her.. one
day, along a street, Paul was wif Mary.. Paul
saw a familiar figure across the road.. guess
who was tat? it was Ella.. Paul ran acrossed the
road, without noticing a truck coming.. BANG!!
everyone near him crowded around tat area.. Mary
screamed as she rushed to Paul.. Ella joined in
the crowd.. She remembered the face, one who
loved her so much in the past.. Next to him, was
Mary.. He wasn't dead.. 'dun give up.. say my
name, 100 times, 1000 time, a million times..
u're gonna say it till u can finish a million b4
u can stop!!' Mary said to Paul.. with tears in
her eyes.. Everyone thought Mary was Paul's
gerl.. Standing at one side, alone, was a gerl
crying.. tat's was Ella who regretted breaking
up wif Paul, after recalling how nice Paul
treated her in the past..

Paul was sent to the Hospital..Mary and Ella were
them.. Praying hard.. An operation was carried
out.. Paul didn't survive.. The Doctor came out,
shaking his head.. Sighed.. He too, thought tat
Mary was Paul's gerlfren, thus approached her for
an apology for not being able to revive Paul..
He said to Mary: "Miss Ella.. your boyfren didn't
survive.. he gave himself up after calling your
name 157 times.. im sorry.."

The Doctor has actually mistook Mary for Ella..
Paul was calling out for Ella.. Ella cried in a
corner.. She knew why he had stopped at 157.. tat
was the day she broke wif him..(15/7)she, who
ended the relationship which Paul treasured so
much, has in turn, ended Paul's life..

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE DEEPLY.. NVR LEAVE TAT
PERSON.. U'LL NVR NOE WHEN U'LL NEED HIM/HER BACK
IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN..TREASURE YOUR LOVED
ONEs..YOU'LL NVR NOE IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WIF
YOUR PARTNER WOULD ACTUALLY MEAN A LIFE TO HIM..

2004-12-07T18:32:00.000+08:00

2nd day back in school...hmm kinda bored..anyway..i was so tired last nght that after talkin on the phone..i just lay in bed..kinda motionless...was actually trying to lie down for awhile..but ended up falling asleep..luckily i woke up at around 12.40pm to have my last shake of the day..gee..and i nearly forgot to remove my lenses..what's worse...i woke up at around 7.30am this morning actually...class was at 8am!! okie..i could have made it to class by cab...but the weird thing was..i just couldn't open my eyes! it was so swollen..don't know why..received some sms..but just couldn't read them..i could barely just see my phone light up...and beside that..my body was so weak..don't know why again..i can't even drag myself outta bed..and after a few minutes of struggling..i dropped dead on bed again..i was actually aware i'm gonna be late..and maybe miss my class..but i just couldn't get up..weird again..so..i finally got the energy to drag my lifeless body outta bed to the bathroom at aroun 9.50am...which was about 2 hours since the commence of my first class..gee..so..i realised i was actually still having problems opening my eyes..even when i was brushing my teeth! weird..again...what's happening to me? huh? ya finally when i was able to open my eyes was about 10am? i was feeling so swollen anyway..and i realised i got some extra time to make it to the gym..? kiinda rush for time anyway..cos 2nd class was at 12pm..i did complete 40mins of grueling cardio session..dragged my listless body to school after that..was raining..was feeling kinda cold..luckily i brought my sweater along..if not i would have froze to death! okie..so i was 15 mins late for class..okie..again la..late late late..luckily i didn't took a cab..cos that class was APEL..? whaha..i was like laughing to myself deep down..hmm..my classes this sem are kinda interesting..i have students from different courses joining me..so all were alien to me..i meant their faces..don't get me wrong..whaha...saw phoebe at TM on my way to the supermart..she's like 'kopi' woman ah...like most of the time..kopi kopi..ahaha..hmm..anyway..today wasn't as bad as yesterday la..hmm..what's with 2moro? let's just hope for the best......

*drained...but still fighting..*

2004-12-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

what a long tiring day...i'm starting to feel the shit..the lethargy..the lack of drive..the moodiness..everything..i just feel like closing my eyes at this very moment..how nice if i could end my day peacefully by dumping my tired body into bed right now..but i can't..one more meal to go..i'm really pushin myself hard..its kinda mission impossible thingy..damn..vin..vin!..u gotta wake up..somehow ..i'm thinkin of just givin up..give up everything..yaya..you can call me a whiner..whatever..i don't care..at the end of the day..i just need to destress!..temptations are getting higher..laksa..prata..whatever you name..i just want to devour the whole damn thing..i really hate my timetable..though its not as packed compared to some others..but..why must i stay back till 8pm? gee...i hate staying in school till so late..when there's like..not a single soul around..so dark..so quiet...i'm so so so tired...the most frustrating thing is my timetable isn't flexible at all..hmm..maybe just for now...i hate school..really..what the..ya and to top it all off....i am not in my clear state of mind..just ask me anything..and all i could do is nod my head.........yawn....

2004-12-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

hmm..i'm a happy man..and only i get to know the reason..and i ain't telling..ahaha..anyway..so far..after 12 days of preparation..finally i can see my six pack..isit too fast? duno..but the faster the better la..ahaha..12 days to abs..gosh..that is a record for me ..anyway..gona shop for my shoes tomorrow..by hook or by crook..cos i cant wear sandals to lab! am i excited aboout school? beats me..excited..yet sad..sian..excited in the sense that i can see my friends again..and i get to do things and not feel so bored..sad because no more holidays! gee...i hate exams..but..the funny thing is..new year is few months after school reopens..! so i kinda have something to look forward to..and my comp..heeha! i kinda try not to think about my time table..as i haven't seen it yet..hope its not too pack..! i really am crossing my fingers for this..man..i'm really starting to like yousuff..i duno man..he irritated the hell outta me last few days..but..when i was down..and out..he was there for me..seriously i duno what to do..he seems like a really good friend..sigh..maybe time will tell..anyway..the night is peaceful..quiet..windy? nah..ahaha...caught 'without a paddle' yesterday..i will say that it was a real real crazy show..damn ass funny...i would really love to watch it a second time..might be catching it this sunday..with somebody..i ain't tellin..ahaha..shhh..so..talking about my shoes..what kind? i also duno..but definitely not high cut ones..! sux!...something that can match my 501..and my terribly torn engineer..anyway..gotta turn in soon..so that's all for today!..nitey bloggy..

2004-11-27T18:24:00.000+08:00

life has been getting so much better these days..why? because i finally see some light...life isn't so boring and lack of meaning sometimes..there are good imes and bad times..what we got to do is just simply get over with the bad times..andenjoy and savour..and also remember the good times..we've been quarelling over the slightest problems..and i don't like it..but that's a norm when two human beings spend time close together...it's hard to love..but easy to be loved..human beings are somehow 'programmed' to take things for granted..i'm no exception..thus, i've been constantly telling myself not to take things for granted..especially her. We've been having lots arguments lately..mostly because of me. And it's really not all the argument that made one feels bad..and miserable..however..it's the part where the argument ends....and you wonder what you should do next..i'm relieved actually..realising that she's not the kind who would be angry for long..she kinda forgets everything after he shitz..and that's good..forgive and forget..well..anyway..i talked to jie on msn just now..i really missed him big time man..those days that we spent together..especially when we just started training..trained together...bathed together(different cubicles)! ..flexed together..eat together..slack together...ktv together..too many to list..good friends are hard to find..especially someone who shared the same interest..and who went throughtorturing training sessions and eating patterns with you..oh i forgot..and we also went tanning together! those were the days..but i'm happy that they played a part in my life..and stand a place in my heart..now..and forever..i can see us 20 years donw the road..having our own family..going picnic together..man..i really wish that will happen..and it will..somehow or rather..i've lost a really good friend to DEATH 3 years ago..life is so unpredictable..cherish your friends...especially your loved ones....may be meeting up with jie and others 2nite..he's dreading NS life..his life had turned upside down ever since he entered...and i can't bear to let a friend suffer like that..besides the physical part..he's suffering mentally as well..so i'm gonna make it an effort to try to cheer him up..life will never be boring and lack of meaning with really good friends around...and kunshan is like suffering..with.erm..alopecia..if thats how you spell it..anyway..hey donut..if you're reading this..please take good care of yourself! everything is possible if you put your mind to it..heeha!!!!!!

2004-11-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

wooot...! damn...no junior cat for nationals..my god..now i have to get ready for muscle storm..which is 2months later..? what could be worse...but what the heck..got to fight..whatever it is..i'm looking forward to it...maybe not really..but..who knows what i can accomplish within 2 short months? Ready...get set...GO!!

2004-11-16T21:32:00.000+08:00

i did something which i regretted..something bad..something nasty..i'm feelin so miserable..maybe i'm just not suited to be living in this world..maybe i'm just a pile of shit..or maybe living in this world just makes the life of people around me shitty..i'm nothin but a pile of poo..why am i here in the first place when i can't contribute to the society? maybe not society..but friends..relatives and such..i can't believe it..my life has been in such a mess..and i've been escaping reality..its crazy..i feel nothing when i'm happy..but realised all that happened went wrong wehn i'm down and sad..maybe that's human nature...you don't realise the bad when everything is going well..i can't describe how i feel right now..it's beyond the description of words..i can't think..feel so suffocated..i always hurt someone important..and not knowing it until at the very end...what the fuck am i doing? just give me one tight slap aorund the face..and i may not even wake up....today had been a shitty day..i've been telling myself that it will be good..but no matter how..and what it is.. life still suck..and today is just another one of those sucked days in life...doing the same job again..not that its tiring..it isnt! really.... but i'm just not in the mood to do anything..you know when you sometimes get moody..maybe because of certain things that happened ..or maybe because you just have this "moody all of a sudden" sickness in you all along..i just don't wish to think..don't wish to move...nothing can actually resurrect me from it..nothing...i think i'm really in danger..i feel like dying..argh..head really hurts...feel like just closing my eyes..and not think anymore..sometimes..we do things that hurt people so much..and i mean SO MUCH...that we don't even know it..the worse..is to hurt someone who really mean something to you..and you may never know it..no matter how tactful you are..you never know..and i did just that..i wish i can turn time around..i wish ..but its too late..too late..i feel like crying..crying badly..my nose feels so sour right now..i really can't see myself right in the eye in the mirror..cos i see something terrible..something ugly..something ..i'm so ashamed to face myself..needless to say face her.....someone please kill me...please end my misery..now..

2004-11-12T21:52:00.000+08:00

duno what to say...my life..haiz..sort of plateau..hmm..duno..really..like i'm not progressing in any freakin way...! after sch..not sure if i can further...hmm..i would love to..but ..no money..shit! argh...really stuck..no money..nuthin..i wana be rich lo..please..i gota find something to get myself on the expressway to wealth! ahhh.....!~

2004-11-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

well well..satays..yumm..i had so many satays last night..dat was good..hmm..talked to may for a while..really sorry for not understanding how she felt..but!..everything seems fine now..i suppose..but she didn't seem as enthusiastic like she was before..duno why..and this has been bothering me for quite awhile now..really wanted to ask her..but i think i better hold back..no chances for wrong moves..argh..sometimes i do not know if i should talk or not..i'm goin crazy...

2004-11-04T19:13:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling to freakin miserable..yet again..duno wat i'm to do..im like back to my usual life again..without you..i seriously duno where we're heading..and what future we have..i'm feeling so far away from from...so far..like we're drifting apart..day after day..i can't breathe..all i'm thinkin about is you..only you..

2004-11-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

what could be worse..she wanted a cool off time? what the..yeah..can understand what she went through..guess i just have to bear with it..but i really don't know where this will lead us to..its terrible..i guess i should have minded my own business..just get on with life..but i didn't..i feel like i've known her for a long long time..i've experienced countless times of dejavu when i'm with her..so i;m pretty sure all this are fated..i'm missing u..

2004-10-09T01:44:00.000+08:00

sian.....nuthin to do......well...i'm munching on my food now..eating and eating..my life now revolves around food..which in terms mean that i'm putting on weight..but whatever..who cares..i love what i'm doing..i love food..i'm so damn bored..freakin bored..that i'm typing crap now..i wana go to sleep..but still have lotsa things to do..still gota wash the dishes..wash my shoes..damn !!!

2004-09-22T17:00:00.000+08:00

sian...have not been blogging for sometime....busy..slackin..lol..! exams in 2 weeks time...and shit..i just can't get that kick in me..i'm so damn bloody slack!..ok..worst of all...i forgot my dads birthday! what the phuck right?!i just remembered just now...ok..i feel like wishing him belated bday..but its been so many days! ok..guess what i've been busy with? FOOD! hell yea...you heard me...food..i just can't stop munching..my friends were totally shocked..what's a typical meal like? ok ..here it goes...3 peanut pancakes(from jolly bean),2 large double yolk mooncakes,2 small single yolk mooncakes,5-10 pieces of biscuits(palm size),2 cups of ice creams, and 1 orange for desert..how? scary? i ate most of the mooncakes at home..and now..there's only 1/4 of it..i dare not eat it..cos i don't wana be the last person to eat it...you know..i ate the most...and 1 box cost 20-30 bucks! my mum's gona kill me for sure..unless she knows who's eating them! hahaha....well..time to wash my dishes! whaha!

2004-09-09T01:14:00.000+08:00

life is a bitch yet again..it always is...at times,it smiles at you ..at times,it bites you...real hard..the pain is excruciating...you just feel like ending your life instantly...had a bad night today..don't elaborate..just bad...was supposed to get back into shape..started to watch my food intake..but ..well..little did i know that all these would happen..it did..phuck man! chowed down 1 auntie annie's pretzel,1 curry puff and 1 yam cake from old chang kee..and lastly..a mcwings meal from macdonalds..i really phuck myself hard...it just shouldn't have happened..i was dead sure i wasn't gonna go for the asian games..so that explained why i gave the 'go ahead' for those food..i just can't stop cursing myself..well..just checked my exam schedule..paper's on 6th oct..less than 1 month..and i can actually try for the games? but phuck it..preparations are gonna be tough..exams more important..besides..i wouldn't wana risk my education..so how? go or not? gotta decide soon..and by the way..i've burnt a hole in my wallet..asian games is no funny business..better supps of course..and that means more money...how? i have to stop thinking of all these..i wish i could..but i have to make a choice...i can't decide..what am i gonna do? and it's less than 2 months to the games..i'm fat now..i mean FAT ~!..not gonna make it in this short time frame..and i have exams..how am i gonna cope? how i wish the games is at dec or something..don't know why..i feel like hitting myself..my head hurts..i'm miserable..i hate this world..full of choices..full of decisions...and to top it off..humans suck to the core! i can't believe they have evolved to be such selfish,evil,scheming,greedy and terrible creatures since the days of adam and eve..what is the world becoming? God, if your're listening..please take us back to where we used to be..what we used to be......

2004-09-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

well...i'm sick of this world..again..as usual..anyway..been trying to tell myself to open my book and start reading up...i did..and i'm gonna carry on doing it..at least i don't feel so useless and slack no more...ok..gonna go to books later...been on comp for quite some time liao..shucks~ life is so boring..hmm...saw wong lilin on tv..channel news asia..a show on pregnancy? okie..her boobs were obviously way larger than before she's expecting...well..what's a mummy without milk? it's pretty amazing to see what the human body is capable of doing...hmm...talk about weight gain while pregnant? about a whopping 1kg on the breasts alone!! jesus christ! okie..it's back ..advertisement over..so what are they talking about now? massage? don't know....argh.,..i'm sick of turning my head 90 degrees backwards towards the tv screen..so it's offline for now..let's enjoy the show..hopefully i can pick up a few tips for future uses..hehehe

2004-09-05T19:17:00.000+08:00

Your Love Style Is...
Confused!

You seem to be a little confused when it comes to the mysteries of love. You know you want love but you are unsure of how to get it. Try to let loose a little more and not worry so much about what other people think. You will master the love game in no time.

What is your Love Style? Find out at DatingTips.ws

2004-09-05T18:53:00.000+08:00

2004-08-29T01:46:00.000+08:00

well..tired..just came back from work..we had some great ole bitches today..bloody hell..think they so damn pretty...so damn sacarstic..actually, they were such a turnoff..just some poseurs..trying to be 'chiobu'..lolz..pls be humble gals....and this applies to all other gals out there..no point trying to act like some hot sexy lady! if ur hot..ur hot..no need to put on a front..lolz...and just sitting opposite them were 4 sweet ladies..yea..and as i say sweet..i meant really sweet..cute and humble..polite and approachable..that's the way it should be. haha...so..there's really some great diff down there..hurhurhur! anyway..those bitches seemed to have spoiled my night a bit..but..whatever....don't give a damn..today was tiring..especially carrying those tables and chairs..okie..as i speak now..i'm thinking of something that went terribly wrong just now..friends of boss came..like ants like that..one shot don't know how many of them..the whole place was in a mess lo...so irritating! then as i was serving customers..,one of those clowns actually leaned against this big vase that we placed on a counter...then..of course..the whole vase toppled..broke it!..thought something just exploded man..lol...clowns...so..the place looked like some place in iraq...okie i know my comparison suck..but well..it was real horrible for a moment...okie..a bit tired liao eyes buay tahan..think go sleep better..shut down the pc! shut it down now!!!! whahahha! nites alvin~

2004-08-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

ccn! today's ccn day..well..had lotsa fun...actually getting the hang of shouting out for business only after 2 to 3 hours of starting...fun fun fun..! so crowded sia..wore sleeveless shirt also perspire like no need money like that..er..actually it's indeed no need money..whahah...we sold ice-cream,fries and nuggets today..eh..not really appealing..by sight..haha..! but still got people buy from us..lol..soma was great..powerful salesman~ but after 2-3pm duno where he go..maybe went home! ass u! whahah..help us ma...was supposed to cut out junk today..but ended up buying dave's mee siam,...ate our ice creams..ate pork chops..well..lost for words..sigh..whahah..okie..not to mention i threw down 4 tau sar piahs,2 slices of cheese breads and a huge plate of longans when i reached home! hungry ghost? argh~!!! ok..whatever..i took part in a "how many push ups u can do in a minute" competition in sch..damn..paid 3 bucks for that shitz..well..i did 104 in a minute..but i lost..christ!! the funniest thing is..i was the only one who did standard push ups among 5-6 guys??!!!! screw them all..haha...man i mean..shouldn't they have some rules or something? i could have broken the 150 mrak if i did "non-standard" ones sia...... jiasheng told me the guy who got first was like bouncing off the floor..waliew..not worth it sia..and gonna train chest tomolo..wasted my energy ..hope i wouldn't feel sore tomolo..well..shitz..chest starting to hurt liao..phuck! argh..heck...anyway..back to business..andrew and i went around in a tray with our fries and nuggets..we were like begging for people to buy lo..okie..me particularly...ANDREW:fries and nuggets for you? ME: please...please...please..please......please... lolz...see how pathetic? but anyway..we did sold quite a few packs of tthem using this "special" technique..hurhur..went to business..man..that place was like sauna! i was sweating rivers !! heeha! bath ar..! can't tahan..in the end back to engine..lol..fries and nuggets sold all..but ice cream left alot..before we wind up everything..we sold those ice creams for 50cents per cup! usual price was 1.50 lo...well..you guessed it..we made a loss..but all in all..it's not the money that counts..it's the great times we spent together! cheers my friends! oh..i think i also bought 2 packets of muah chee from celest..ate it all of course! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * pulling hair *

2004-08-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

well...guess what? i'm back to stuffing my fat face ...terrible..this is getting outta hand..no school for me today..no training Either....just eat eat and eat..pretty slcaking day...ya..and i got this terrible headache..after eating one packet of fried chicken wing rice and one packet of maggi mee...making me damn sloppy..tv has been on since i came back from the kopitiam..olympics...hmm...at least more entertaining than those other stupid variety shows...enjoyed the track and field segment..those athletes were flashes...! fast like nobody's business...oh man...this headache is killing me..! argh...phuck!

2004-08-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

yo~ 1st training after pesta..or should i say after my all out binge~ oops..well..did my chest and back today..nothing intense..just some nice and light training..just to get my body to wake up..haha. hopefully it does..looked like a water buffalo..erm disgusting..but well...offseason maybe? whahaha.did myself a favour today..managed to 'not junk' so much..haha..but can't stop putting down those chicken drumsticks and thighs from the chicken soup mum boiled..okie..at least i did not go to old chang kee again right..ya..but the thought of it now makes me wana vomit..urgh..i rather go for bak jang..okok..i should stop thinking about all these..eee..hmm...most of the chicken in the soup gonna finish liao..all in my stomach..whahaha..high protein sia..and fats! lol..but who cares...at least more clean than the food i ate few days ago mah..right..gotta train again tomorrow..so it's lights out for now...Zzzzz......

2004-08-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

i hate myself...i've been behaving like andy lau in "shou shen nan nu" for the past 6 days..and i've added 7 whole damn kilograms to my slim body..ok..i look like total shit right now..extremely disgusted ...feel like puking whenever i look at myself in the mirror..having terrible headaches..i'm feeling nauseous now..guess it's because of all those junk and oily food i ate..i feel like vomitting now at the sight of fried carrot cake and popiah..and stuffs like that..been hitting old chang kee like mad..i was mad...can't see my abs..all i can see now is a big,smooth,wobbly fat tummy...disgusting! urgh!!!!!!!!!i feel terrible...why did i behave like that for the past 6 days?? i do not even wana look at my body...i'm so lost..fat as hell...can't stop feelling nauseous,thinking tha i actually has all this fats and water on my body...urgh...DISGUSTING! now go and die!

2004-08-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

aw man..tough day ...well..was a bit dissapointed that i did not reain my gold medal title yesterday..it was really tough..worse than nationals..! the sun was like so hot..12 pm! and i was so dehydrated..than i can barely speak..was struggling on stage for the first round..the call outs were terrible..i think i looked real tired on stage..and the judges saw that! definitley lost too many points..not to say my posing..they suck big time..hmm..wasted ..i know i can beat the guy..but..well..what's done is done..felt so horrible..felt like dying..not compete anymore..but after drinking some water..definitely felt sooo much better..can jump here and there liao..and of couse i think i did better onstage when competing against the malaysians..full of energy..hurhur..hmm..whatever it is....it's all history now...and i'm feeling "goal-less" again....felt so useless..can't stop eating..don't feel like elaboraing what i put into my mouth..terrible..i'm fat now..useless..piece of shit..don't know if i'm gona continue hard training..spent so much time and money..but all i got is some trophy and supplements and medals..etc..gilbert said we do this for the passion for the sport..i'm now wondering..if i really had the passion for bodybuilding?

2004-08-11T10:27:00.000+08:00

it's been sometime since i blogged..been feeling shitty lately..did badly in sch..phuck! keep trying to tell myself it's ok..com'on...life sux! ok...4 more days...a bit sian..not that excited...just got to know that there will be one malaysian guy in my category..whatever..i'm just gona do my best..blah...sian man!!! think so much for what? i wana eat right now..life really sux..........wonder how it's gonna be competing in the open air..i don't think it's gonna be as grand as nationals.......sux!

2004-08-08T14:09:00.000+08:00

shit..i pretty phucked myself hard! first day at work...all 5 bosses are phucking gays..ray...i should have known..bloody hell..what?! pretty sick man...and there were like more than 10 of them..last night..spanking butts and kissing..shit!! i'm really scared now..later gotta go work again..i don't wana be like them sia..so scared...it's crazy...my god...then one of them even asked me out..! freaking hell....is that working? or wat? i really feel like cursing big time man..although not as stressful as cartel..but..wtf? at least got normal people at cartel..to think of it..i rather go back cartel lo..then it's like only one waiter/waitress per day..it's a small place..but you know..at least put one waitress to work with me ma...then at least got girls..not surrounded by gays..phuck! walao..i don't feel like going liao.....shit..shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heard from ray got 2 waitresses..but..waliew..put one of them with me la!!!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't stand it!!!!!!!!!!!i need to find a gf quick!!!!!!!!!!!argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-08T01:56:00.000+08:00

construction for pesta sukan championships....beat the malaysians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-05T01:22:00.000+08:00

whooo..soo busy these days..gona sleep soon! shag! today body inspection...siala..haha..yesterday i was so flat..can't get a pump..muscles like die like that..no difference from a skinny guy,but heck..went to get sushies..ate 12 big big rolls..and 3 small ones..was so full i felt like puking man...basically forcing them down my throat...then on the way home..went down whitesands jollybean..bought one mee jiang kuey..woot! down....full....shiok man..haha..was guilty actually after eating..but my guess was right..i woke up..my muscles were like balloons! hahaha...ok whatever..i junked....so what...yea..that's the fun part of contest dieting man! while pumping up before goin on the platform..i was like mashmallow man lo..so full..and dry too ..eric(one of the juniors) was stunned..how the hell did my body changed so much overnight? hahaha...okie..so now..i'm getting the idea of what to eat on saturday liao..i'll go for burgers first..as starter...then get some brownies..donuts...fries? whatever..whatever i wana eat la.mee jiang kuey again? hmm but not shitty enough leh...pizza? ya great idea...then head to bed..morning will be pancakes or waffles..with thick maple syrup all over....then snack on cookies the whole day..maybe famous amos ones..hmm..get some rice cakes..the only clean carbs for the day..just bring la..if not i feel damn bad..hahahha......okie..i need some more ideas..oh maybe i will get some small donuts too...whatever! junk food! yea baby!!! so looking forward to it!!!!!!!! okie..time for bed..hit some mayonnaise ? hmm..but i'm starting to get sick of mayonnaise..sian sia......whatever..just eat something..bed..here i come!!!!! nites alvin..

2004-07-31T22:36:00.000+08:00

training as usual...i'm 100grams heavier! haha....but abs are coming out pretty nicely..looking bigger too..man..mr maldive is so dry today! scary!..haha..he's like a big brother to me man..the way he treat me..hahai'ld love to have a brother like him..man..i know he will surely come out top..champ! confirm..haha..anyway..coach killed my pecs and lats today..sheesh..argh..getting the hang of all those drop sets and supersets..did drop sets then head on to supersets..gee..intensed!..okie..and i can't stop thinking of what shitty food to buy........

2004-07-30T13:15:00.000+08:00

tired man..work until so jialat..fucking gonna leave that place! i junked yesterday..bought 2 breaads from breadtalk...and one chicken sandwich from HAN'S ..the sandwich was superb..first bite..cos it was warm..just toasted...and combine with margarine and tomatoes..and chicken..woah..power...haha...anyway..i shouldn't have ate so much..but who cares...2 more weeks to pesta sukan..and i'm still eating like that..whaha..whatever..like i said ..who cares..hmm..how do i get to ymca gym?? and what should i buy on that day? pizzas? brownies? pecan pies??? cookies? donuts? garlic bread? waliew..i can't decide..damn it..gotta get something real shitty..super high calories..whahaha...maybe i should just gulp down a whole bottle of full fat whip cream! wahahhaa..that will suffice..but..it suck..no taste..okie..i went back to tampines to train yesterday..people were still as sarcastic...can't believe it..can't you let it go? yea..while i'm training..they were all watching..everyone..instructors..gym goers..especially the stupid face...stare at me like gay like that..waliew..my god..and think i don't know he looking at me..i just can't friggin stand it when people just stare at you like that..and while eating outside the gym..this woman sitting downstairs kept staring at me also! wtf?! wth is wrong with all these peeps??! and i meant constant staring..never looked away hor! you know how irritating and uneasy it was?? okie..then..back to gym..while i was signing in..this auntie..the one who was always soooo engross in her so called "bible" and did not notice people signing in..asked me "eh long time never see you, where you go ar?" ..i said i was busy..then she started looking at me..you know..like those crazy people in wood bridge..the way they look at you...so close up..stare like no ones business? okie..i noticed that..but i just ignored..then right at the corner of my eye..patrick gave a damn sarcastic smile..hmm..fine! did not greet him..no need to! so i trained..and as i said earlier..eyes were watching..didn't cared..after training i was in the toilet preparing to bath..patrick came in..sarcastic again!...this was what he said..(still looking sarcastic)PATRICK: "so alvin..where do you train now?" ..ME: "redhill lo.." PATRICK: "delta ar? who asked you to go!? those bodybuilders ar?" ME: " no la..the coach lo..." PATRICK: "oh you got coach ar?! so what is your GOAL? what is your aim??why you do all these..for what?" ME: "going for pesta sukan" PATRICK: " that want not national ma..go for what? not national right.." ME: "ya..but i was asked to go.." PATRICK(kept asking me): "huh...then WHAT IS YOUR AIM??! WHAT IS YOUR AIM?!" ME: "maybe the asian juniors!" "PATRICK:"sarcastic smile...ohhh...you better take care of your school work first..." ME :"yea thanks..".... still the same old patrick...like peter said..when we are preparing for nationals..you never gave your support..not even as a friend..and had been so sacarstic and hard on us..constantly probing what our goals are..for joining competition..and constantly trying to discourage us..telling us it's useless..no use..for what....no money etc..kinda shit. and now ..finally we've got some achievements..and you are still the same..never even congratulate..still trying to discourage..i mean..wth? i have my reasons to do this...it's not easy to be able to stand on the stage in front of so many people....especially it's a national event...and it's never easy to constantl puch and tell yourself that you can make it..i get bonus points in my testimonial in school for this man! man! and i'm going for international event next 2 weeks..my cca points will be chocked full! i tell you..and who knows in future that all my achievements will help me land a good job? and if i were to venture into the fitness industry..guess what..i have a gold medal to back me up man..i have planned all this a long time ago..so shut the hell up and stop telling me what you think is right or wrong..of course..i can't deny that what i'm doing now "might" be wrong..but this is how we learn..learn from our mistakes...this sport has helped me build my willpower..determination..and most of all..provided me with a goal in my younger years(instead of spending my time smoking and going to arcades..)it has been a part of me..i thought i could make my mark in bballing previously..but was unsuccessful..now that i finally succeeded in this sport..do you think i will give it up?..maybe in future..i don't know..but..the most important thing in life is never to regret..we only live once..be the best we can be...never settle for the least..and speaking of all these..i have found out who are my friends..those who did not give a damn while i was still preparing for the nationals...but came sucking up to me and trying to part take in the joy of my winnimg..you peeps can get the hell outta my life..and those who have given me support and never give up on me..constantly assuring me that i can make it..you all have my respect....you guys know who you are....=)

2004-07-29T11:02:00.000+08:00

okie..well..did cardio today..perspired like hell...again...tired..coach just messaged me..he's on mc today..so..i won't be training..and to think i'm already cooking my meals...gosh...rice wasted..blaa....should i just train alone today? hmm....don't know leh...or should i just rest...i haven't been training for 2 days.! hmm.....i guess i better rest ba...sian..so what am i gonna do now man? fuck! NO SUN...NOTHING..SKY LOOKS LIKE SHIT.. waliew...life sux man...what should i do? working at 5..hate it..but no choice..i need money!!!! what should i do now??????argh!!!!!!!!!

2004-07-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

yet another slacking day has passed..i'm really slacking..as in school..SIA LA! must wake up...shit!~!!!!!!!! irritated...especially after waking up from afternoon nap..never had this habit of sleeping in the day..but i was really tired..no choice..argh.....whatever..life sux......

2004-07-27T21:55:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder..why must i take up this sport? why must i do sport? why can't i just be a normal boy,who just lives his life..enjoy..play..eat what he wants..go for movies..go for holidays...and not worry about what food to eat,what food not to eat....it's draining sometimes..but it's fulfilling too...i'm always so contradicting..always..i'm feeling like i'm missing out on something today...maybe i was so busy the last few days..training..working..and reaching home late at night..heading to bed straight after shower..maybe that's why..time passed really fast...and it's another brand new day the moment i open my eyes..maybe that's why..i didn't have to think..think about anything..didn't have to bother..just too busy ..but today..after school..no training..came home..eat..surf net..watch tv..read my notes..damn..it's like..so bored...and now..it's 5minutes past 10..and ..i'm feeling so empty inside me..can't really explain this feeling..empty maybe..blank....oh..okie..now i have something to look forward to..just remembered today is tuesday..got wu zong xian..hmm..fine..i hope it's gonna be extra good today..not that it has never been..just hope he'll crack me up even more later on...yea yea yea..mum's naggin away again...irritating..sometimes i really want to scream at her..but..i was just thinking only la..can't do that..did that before..but that time i was really stressed out..juggling work,exams and competition..not to mention my pathetic diet!..was quesioning me why i went to work..and started naggin away..i was like,"can't you just leave me alone?" if i ain't working..who's gonna pay for my supplements? and the amount of food i need to eat..oh..not to say going to the supermarket everyday to top up the fridge..man..it's all money man..and i've never ever asked them for money for my supplements..guessed i spent more than 3-5k already..i could have been a bloody rich man! i could have went to the movies at least 2 times per day..but..ya..that is all " i could have"...bla bla bla.....bankruptcy finding its way to me...and i'm really friggin sick of work..can't say much..i want to go on an all day "junk food,have fun day"...eat all junk take pictures with junk..i meant junk food..take nice pictures of scenery..not go home..buy many many junk to last the night..at somewhere high up..where there's beauiful night scenery..peacefully enjoying the view..munching on my good food..if i have my own car..i'll just drive up anywhere at night..anywhere..around the island..maybe esplanade..sit here..enjoy the night breeze..leep in my car...till dawn..and hopefully..i will be able to enjoy a huge plate of hot hot fried carrot cake for breakfast while enjoying the sunrise.....